Honoured Employee!

A few days ago, I noticed that while I had done a fair amount of odd jobs for Mr. Werks and the Patrician's Jobbes Programme, I still hadn't attainted the greatest token of recognition that the said program affords. So I got myself busy, packed my traveling bags and went on a spree, gathering items from all over the Disc. I wasn't expecting the results to come in so soon (I was expecting a week or so more work at least), but just as I came into the warehouse today for collecting my latest pennies, I was surprised by the gift of the medal of greatest honor!

Well, wasn't that nice! And of course there was someone with an iconograph at hand to immortalize the current moment, and to allow me to share it with you:

The medal might not have a lot of economic value, but it sure feels like that to me, after some... five hundred missions? And not the last ones, either. I will still be indulging the Morporkian men and women's wishes for goods from faraway places in the days to come.

Anyway, the medal looks like this: This is a beautiful disc made of platinum, bearing the seal of the Ankh-Morpork Job Market: a hammer above a wagon wheel. To earn this medal means to have shown great service to the city of Ankh-Morpork and its denizens, by way of continued hard work.

I'll be wearing it proudly! I don't quite understand why it doesn't count as jewellery, though...

People at Uni - Drygur

You see Magistrate Drygur the Senior Wizard of the Hoodwinkers.

He is a strapping young human lad.

He looks like somebody with a clearly defined goal in mind, shoulders squared and concentrated.

He is in good shape.

He is standing.

His skin looks as hard as rock, although it seems weaker around the face.

He has Wizard's Friend floating around him.

He has a big deep black butterfly clinging to his shoulder.

Holding : The Light (left hand) and The Dark (right hand).

Wearing : a pair of black soft-soled boots, a royal blue wizard's robe, a light blue silk backpack, a light grey silk backpack, a Fang family crest, four club badges, a big deep black butterfly, a blue crystal ring, a star sapphire ring, an artificer's tool belt, a silver rat ring, a blackened canteen and a mirrored timepiece.

Goals and Optimization

There is lots of interesting stuff to do in the Disc, but all stuff comes at a price. Not a monetary one, but rather, one of experience, which is a much scarcer commodity.  This forces you to focus: out of all the things one could learn and practice, which ones are the better trade-off?

The most obvious answer to the question is to focus on the most instrumental of of all subroutines: do those things that will procure you more experience.  And this, in the Disc, means getting good at sticking pointy bits of metal into other people, or turning them to ashes with fireballs, if you're a wizard. And this always remains a goal you keep pushing. But after some time, it meets diminishing returns. So while it is always in the background, you need to supplement it with better means of survival (as in defensive skills and in better personal health) and, in general, you have to try to optimize for the low-hanging fruit you are interested in gathering.

A somewhat overlapping goal will be becoming good at what your guild does, which in my case, is being a wizard and casting spells. So an interesting set of goals is spell-chasing: you want to be able to cast a certain spell and to do it well, so you spend your hard-earned experience in the magical skills required for the casting. Once you're good enough, rinse and repeat with another spell, and so on.

At the moment, I am able to cast all the spells that the Discworld's grimoires can afford (which doesn't mean I have cast all of them: there are a couple related with DEATH that don't get much use). And while I have pushed my skills in some branches of magic so that I may be ever more proficient at floating heavy things for self-protection, this also meets with diminishing results when you reach, say, 436 levels. 

So this got me thinking to what I should be prioritizing instead, or at least, on some cycle I should make, of the sort: cycle 1: spend xp on defensive/offensive magic; cycles 2, 3 and 4: spend xp on something else. But what something else, I wonder?

The first thing that comes to mind would be more useful fighting and surviving skills, so that would mean dumping xp in sword skills, health and dodging, all of which have also reached a stage in which 3 million xp barely budges them much. 

I really like the crafts, and right now, I am quite interested in gold smithing. I would also like to start making nice staves, but one has to focus and not get dispersed. So I am tempted to employ cycles 2, 3 and 4 exclusively for this purpose until I can get topmost results in forging. Which, at the moment, and with what feel like rather high skills, I still cannot.

One also, though, is inspired to chase for lesser goals in the hope of tms. My silver smithing skills are low and I don't care to spend anything on them right now, but as I can usually get baser metals than gold from the Copperhead mines, I might as well be spending those bars into improving my skills. I worked at that somewhat this afternoon. The results weren't great, but they were pretty acceptable, and I also got a couple of tms in crafts.points and in crafts.smithing.black.tools. The best pieces I got looked like this:

• A pretty brass wise owl statuette: Simple and pretty, this little brass owl has a deep well in her head for ink. 
• A copper tankard: Short and sturdy, with a solid base and a strong handle, this copper tankard will hold a full pint safely in even the most drunken grip. 

Of course, there are some mini-goals that require no expenditure of experience, and you can indulge in them for the occasional tms. Of these, the most relevant ones at the moment are:

• Spoken dwarvish: I have acquired masterful proficiency in the written form, but my spoken skills still leave something to be desire. And yet, while talking, I just managed to get to level 78!

You feel like the Dwarfish language is less confusing.

..austrophobia ..eeds .. ..ese ..aves  ..ut ..o ..s ..zhak'khin'khuz ..lse   ..nd ..ustrophobia ..s  ..k ..n  ..y ..en ..bir'khuz ..th ..mit ..ees ..akh'bir'khab ..o ..he ..reatures ..hich ..ause ..he ..centrated ..khab'bir ..ch .. ..bir'khab ..n ..e ..casional ..koragh ..m ..e ..p   ..gash ..ve ..mber ..s ..limy ..th ..amp not .. ..ssibly ..ther ..bstances  ..nd .. .. ..l ..  ..y ..ce ..khar .. .. ..khin ..ne   ..rtain ..ompany ..uld ..ake ..  ..hole .. ..orse   .. ..ves ..khin'rhag'khin ..t .. ..est

..bir'akh'aule'khar   ..s         ..   not    not   not   ..khin'khuz           ..rophobia        not   not  not  not not    not   not not        ..d     not    ..res   ..   ..      ..rated   ..        not ..d         ..ional              not  not  not     ..     not ..y      not       ..y   ..r   ..ances       not        not     not          not not           not ..   ..ny   not         not ..  not    ..         not  ..nue         

hskills

Recent skill changes during this session:

Thu Aug 20 22:31:42 2026 - spoken Dwarfish increased by 1 level to level 78.

• percussion: I am decently proficient with wind and stringed instruments, but lag behind in the rest, so I've taken to carrying with me a kokiriko, a very curious Agatean piece of craftmanship. It is basically a... kind of clapper? I am at 111 levels right now, and mostly getting bad messages when I play it ('You play an irritating rattling rhythm on your kokiriko' 'You shake your kokiriko, creating an unpleasant rattle'), but some tms are still coming. The description is as follows (and I'll provide you a picture to go along):

This unique instrument of Agatea looks very much like a bendy two foot long comb with handles at either end.  It can be played in various ways due to its flexible construction.  As the handles are moved, dozens of small rectangular wooden blocks hit each other in succession, creating a captivatingly active rhythm very similar in sound to a row of dominoes falling.

• Burden reduction: I used to carry a lot of gear because I just loved how it looked, but given that I am a spellcaster who attempts to dodge when the chips are down, I am finding myself ever and ever trying to optimize for lower weight. Until today, I was using a silver-studded sword belt as the sheath for my sea fang, while using a charmed navel stud for storing a lovely keris for component gathering. But I noticed two things today: the belt is heavy (6/9 lb) and every time I retrieve the sand keris I spend 20 gps, so a change was in order. I noticed that in the same place that I had gotten the keris, the local spirits also sold a lighter belt that could house my sea fang and the deluded knife I use for casting KID on about-to-die trolls, but which I could now double as the component-gathering dagger. The belt is the filigreed sword belt (weighing 3/9 lb) that reads like this:

This elegant belt is made of sturdy, high-quality leather and decorated all along its length with intricate gold filigree. The contrast between the dark brown and the gold lend it a certain understated style, making it as decorative as it is practical. Two adjustable loops allow for a wide range of blades to be sheathed on each hip so that from a wide-bladed scimitar to a needle-pointed dagger, one can be certain to always have quick access to their weapon of choice. There are two loops free. It could sheathe a scimitar, sword, blade, dagger, knife, rapier, epee, foil, colichemarde, sidesword or sabre.

So this is what has been occupying my mind lately. Although I have a clear picture of my current subgoals, I feel I should make an ordered list of things i want to improve, maybe one at a time, as soon as I've gotten my finesmithing working. Let me see:

-My fighting.unarmed.grappling needs some urgent spending, as my 250-ish bonuses are insufficient a lot of the time to stop muggers in the Shades for temporarily snatching my sword. I am optimistic that maybe just 20 or so more levels might do the trick. 

-My crafts.pottery.staining hasn't been able yet to reach the quite to the top: the Apocralypse pattern in the Sung pottery room defeats me each and every time, and I am pretty sure some of the most complicated designs of the Sto Lat pottery shop are beyond me. That's my next artistic goal - perhaps I need some c. 400 bonuses for this.

-Both people.trading.valueing jewellery and gems need to go up, as I sell a lot of that stuff (205 and 150 levels respectively; I should likely go for at least 250 for each).

-crafts.points needs to go up too. With only 150 levels, I run out of them pretty quick.

-the adventuring branch is one I mostly neglect and are not too enthusiastic about, but I have to get around one day to improving adventuring.movement.swimming, adventuring.movement.climbing rock and rope and adventuring.perception.  The latter would be particularly useful in a certain smuggler's den..

-after this, I should be able to focus on the different skills required for making a good staff...

Top hat revisited

Some years ago, I was talking about the top hat, an object that can be using for conjuring tricks and that, at low levels, allows you to improve your abilities in the skills of conjuring and charming (and, to a lesser degree, of binding and enchanting). But I notice that I didn't give any information about what I was able to conjure out of it, or what the bonuses required for each of the five elements that can come out of the top hat (hankie, ball, flags, dove, rabbit) are. I decided to check the Discworld Wiki on this, but apparently, there's data only for the first two items: 175 bonuses for the hankie, 250 for the ball. 

I've been checking what I can pull out at the moment. I succeed at everything up to the fourth item, dove. For the first two, I have no difficulties. For flags, I succeed about 70% of the time. Dove, on the contrary, is really, really tough: I might succeed about 30% or less. Rabbit is clearly impossible; I don't even make any progress at all.

When you try to pull something out of the hat, you invariably get what looks like... three or four checks:

You start to prepare yourself for the immense task ahead.
You flex your fingers over the black top hat and try to conjure up an image in your mind.
You picture xxx.

You wave your hands vigorously over the black top hat before delving deep in, then slowly removing your hand to reveal...

"You flex your fingers..." seems like it should check conjuring. I never fail this. "You picture..." doesn't seem clear as to what skills it is checking, but I can fail this, getting the message "You suddenly stare with dismay at your fingers".  I only fail at this stage with the dove, and that's all I reach with the rabbit.  Finally, one can fail the "You wave your hands..." check, in which case you get as output: "...absolutely nothing!". I can occasionally fail this with the flags, so I am guessing this is the hardest check. 

The outputs for successful magic read like this, for each item up to rabbit:

pull hankie from top hat
You start to prepare yourself for the immense task ahead.
You flex your fingers over the black top hat and try to conjure up an image in your mind.
You picture a silk handkerchief.
You wave your hands vigorously over the black top hat before delving deep in, then slowly removing your hand to reveal...
...an exquisitely embroidered aquamarine silk handkerchief.
You proceed to mop your brow with the hankie before disposing of it back in the black top hat.

pull ball from top hat
You start to prepare yourself for the immense task ahead.
You flex your fingers over the black top hat and try to conjure up an image in your mind.
You picture a billiard ball.
You wave your hands vigorously over the black top hat before delving deep in, then slowly removing your hand to reveal...
...a truly magnificent ivory billiard ball.
You throw the ball between your hands before hurling it high into the air and stylishly catching it again in the black top hat.

pull flags from top hat
You start to prepare yourself for the immense task ahead.
You flex your fingers over the black top hat and try to conjure up an image in your mind.
You picture the flags of all nations.
You wave your hands vigorously over the black top hat before delving deep in, then slowly removing your hand to reveal...
...the flags of all nations.
You run around for a while trailing the flags behind you in a procession of victory. You soon stop though, when you realise exactly how idiotic you look.
You stuff the flags back into the black top hat with an embarassed smile.

pull dove from top hat
You start to prepare yourself for the immense task ahead.
You flex your fingers over the black top hat and try to conjure up an image in your mind.
You picture a beautiful white dove.
You wave your hands vigorously over the black top hat before delving deep in, then slowly removing your hand to reveal...
...a beautiful white dove.
The dove looks around for a moment, flexes its wings, then flies into the sky. You watch it fly off until it becomes too small to see anymore.

My bonuses in the suspected skills are as follows: conjuring: 364, charming: 349, binding: 356, enchanting: 360. Charming is mental, so I can perhaps adjust it by not holding the klein bottle. Binding and enchanting are physical, so perhaps I can adjust them by checking results when not having the effects of Wungle's Great Sucking on me. Conjuring is spiritual.  

I am starting to think that maybe the top hat makes two skills checks only: the first one for conjuring, and the second for any/all of charming, binding and enchanting, with the first being much easier than the second.

Based on all this, I am guessing a conjuring bonus of c. 300 for flags and of c. 350 for the dove. Maybe a bit more for each? And something like 400 for the rabbit. For the other check, and assuming I have an average of 355 in the 3 skills involved (355.25 to be precise, weighting binding with 50% and each of the others with 25%) and the skillcheck being harder, I am guessing... a little bit more, but likely much more? As I fail the dove so much, it must be at least 360-70. So maybe something like c. 350 for flags, about 370 for dove, and likely over 400 for rabbit (420?).

I am interested in developing a research project here, so If you're interested, get in contact with me and we will explore this matter!

Capturing spells

Eighteen years ago (my! how time flies!!) I was writing you about the appearance of Klein Bottles in the Disc. At the time, they weren't much good for anything, but they were a fancy toy. For catching spells with them you needed, besides some magical skills, a butterfly net and a funnel. Free spells were also very hard to come by. You basically had to fail a remembering from a scroll to get the spell to break free. Two years ago, though, things changed substantially: the Unseen University started to be populated by spheres of energy of varying sizes, and a Klein bottle full of them could now act as a substantial boost to your intelligence -and therefore, your spell-casting abilities. So I added a brief addendum to the original post:

UPDATE (16/08/2024): Since I last wrote this, Klein bottles have actually become a very useful tool in the wizard's kit, as they can now 'capture' spells, and while holding the bottle, they give a boost to the wizards intelligence.

But I notice that I didn't actually explain or show what capturing a spell looks like. First of all, the increase will be by one or two intelligence points, depending on how many spells you keep in the bottle. Second, you now no longer need a net: just the funnel and the bottle. Also, you have to be careful to keep the bottle closed, or the energies will dissipate and come out. Thirdly, you have to be careful how much you fill it up, as if you go over the top limit, the bottle will explode. You have all the information available and in detail at the Discworld wiki, so here I'll just proceed to show you how it actually looks like:

This is somewhere in the Library of Unseen University.  You are in a corner formed by shelves to your left and in front of you.  A strange muttering sound surrounds you, a low murmur like the sound of starlings playing Agatean whispers.  However hard you try, you cannot localise the source - it seems to be coming from everywhere, like the strange violet light that almost illuminates the Library.

Your skin tingles with the discharge of magic and the air feels greasy and tastes of tin.

There are two obvious exits: right and backward.

A tiny speck of energy is tracing a blue pattern in the air.

Tiny speck is 5 thaums capture size.

l speck

A writhing mass of pure energy; it darts around in sudden fast moving jumps.  You cannot make out any substance from the hazy blur - it moves around far too much to be certain of anything.  Except that it looks unhappy.

It is in good shape.

It is tracing a blue pattern in the air.

The tiny speck of energy sparkles slightly.

sheathe sword

You sheathe the sea serpent fang in the silver-studded sword belt.

get funnel from pack

The tiny speck of energy leaves a trail of colour as it moves.

You get a blue funnel from a pocket in an ornate bone backpack.

hold funnel

You hold a blue funnel in your left hand.

capture energy in bottle with funnel

You see a book suddenly try and make a break for freedom: it strains at its chains, but can't get loose, and falls back looking limp.

You confidently position the blue funnel between the Klein bottle and the tiny speck of energy.  From your deep understanding of magic, you recognise it as energy released from the spell "Brother Happalon's Elementary Enchanting".  You aim the blue funnel squarely at the energy and begin capturing it.

Wispy tendrils extend from the tiny speck of energy, attracted through the blue funnel and into your Klein bottle.  As the last of the tendrils are captured, the tiny speck of energy vanishes with a "Pop!".

Your Klein bottle trembles and flickers orange briefly.

l bottle

This is a mind-bendingly paradoxical Klein bottle which has the revolutionary property of not being able to hold anything at all on account of having no volume.  A student discovered the ingeniously intricate shape at the back of a lecture theatre, as he was trying to make a paper giraffe out of thaumic funnel paper.  This one, however, has been skilfully blown from glass.

It is smothered fluffily in a Klein bottle cosy.

Not quite inside, but within the glass itself, you can see a vortex of orange energy.

270 - 295 : +2 Int, capture TINY ONLY!

It has the hazy octarine sparkle of a magical talisman.

It is in excellent condition.

It is closed.

A couple of things deserve mentioning. I am using Quow's pluggins, which are the ones that give me the information of what size-spells I should be catching, if any. Also, the bottles can be quite spammy, so if you want to keep them quiet, there's a cosy you can buy for them at the Ephebe and at the Creel Springs wizard shop, some of them colored, and whose description looks like this:

This is a fluffy cosy knitted out of wool with a mind-bending shape that makes your eyes hurt a little when you look at it closely. It looks like it was made to fit over a Klein bottle, presumably to keep it warm.

The Klein bottle cosy is about six inches long and about four inches wide. It is made of wool.

Something that has also been made available in the same places is a special type of scabbard for klein bottles: the Mobius strap!

This is a mind-bending, paradoxical strip of leather that's been twisted once before being riveted back to itself. Well, all right - it's not actually all that paradoxical. It doesn't look like it would work as a scabbard for anything conventional, though. The mobius strap is about three inches long and roughly a couple of inches wide. It is made of leather and looks like you could wear it. It is in excellent condition.

Unseen University Postcards - The High Energy Magic Building

 

The IIL

Djelibeybi is one of the oldest nations of the Disc. It also houses one of its eminents institutions for the teaching of wizardry, i.e., the Institute of Illusionary Learning. Although its orders haven't been recruiting many people of late, it is still well worth it to make the trip through the never ending sands of the Klatchian continent and to the fertile banks of the Djel for getting access to many a quaint and interesting spell.

The Institute lies somewhat north of the Ephebe Gate, along city's main axis, the Avenue of the Pharaohs. The entrance into the building is a grand affair most probably designed to awe the visitors and imprint them with the importance of the institutions and the relative unimportance of the visitor.

One you cross its hallowed bronze doors, you find yourself in the main courtyard of the Institute. In the middle is an impressive and pretty useful fountain for those of us unaccustomed to these torrid regions. To your left you can appreciate the local Library, which while not of a piece as our Morporkian institution, still shines in the light of its magical splendor. In front of you lies Toad Hall, the main building of the complex, which houses administrative and other facilities, and to your right there's another courtyard that leads the way to the classrooms. Notice that buildings tend to be topped with pyramidal roofs so as to channel away excess magic.

The library's collection is decent enough, and includes some of the staple fair you will have become accustomed to in other institutions. Two local jewels do stand out to:  Spelles of thee Oryent, while common enough in Klatch, is difficult to find elsewhere, and includes within its covers the most employed transportation spell for wizards. Ye Booke of Polymorphe deals with the ancient Djelian specialty of transfiguration magic. You might have a hard time finding them, though: the library is very disorienting.

The hall looks pretty much like you'd expect from the outside, but it does have an endearing feature for this hot-but-not-god forsaken place: an air conditioning unit, which makes walking around its flagstones something almost bearable.

The upper floors include the facilities you would expect, like student lounges and rooms for the different local orders (The Ancient Order of the Incarnation of the Dynastic Crescent, The Ancient Order of the Scintillating Scarab and The Ancient Order of the Demiurgical Djinn Diviners). Its most distinctive and accessible corner, though, is a Diplomat's Lounge that is open to wizards from all over the Disc, and brimful of mementoes from every region, so that you may feel at least partially at home. The mishmash of styles is somewhat bewildering, though...

Retracing your steps back to the fountain and now turning in the direction opposite the Library takes you to the southern courtyard, over which looms the Tse-Tse building, where classes are taught. Flamingo Hall is a two level building up some stairs to the west.  It houses laboratories for mid-level wizards, but is still under construction so you can't go in there yet. To the east is an enclosed space that houses the outdoor practice yard. There's also a very useful components shop run by Mit-sin-bibh-khot.

Go into the practice yard to enjoy a not so sightly sight!.  The walls rise high above you, disallowing you the vision of anything but the sky.  The ground is covered in glass-like sand which glitters and gleams in any available light.  There is no one here but a single demon which stands shackled and bound. An exit leads to the west and is wide enough for even the most robust of wizards to make a quick escape.

The inside of the Tse-Tse building has nothing particularly worth noting, and reminds one of the Cloisters at Unseen University. You have mostly empty classrooms and apparatus to test and improve very basic levels of magical skill. It comes with a gymnasium with yet another practice demon and a beginner's grimoire.

So if you're passing by, take the chance to visit the place. You will not regret it! Unless you get too close to the chained demons, though...