People at Uni - The Communications Imp

The communications imp is standing here.

> The communications imp exclaims: Hello!  Busy afternoon isn't it, Winswand?!

The communications imp mutters something about wizards under its breath.

look imp

The communications imp exclaims: BLAST!

This is the University's Official Communications imp.  His job is to make sure all memos go through as they should and when they should.  Sharply, he twitches from the overwhelming stress of coordinating such uncoordinated beasts as wizards.  His little horns have slight chips in them from banging his head on the wall one too many times, and his little wings flutter to and fro in a flurried state of unrest.  The last thing this little imp needs is another cup of coffee.

It is in good shape.

It is standing.

> To the southwest, the town crier shouts: The AM Daily newspaper is currently recruiting reporters and other authors! Contact Jeanie for details.

The communications imp exclaims: I think I might need a therapist.  Are you available?!

The communications imp exclaims: Can you hear those voices too?  Certainly, you MUST be able to hear all these voices!  There are hundreds of them!  Can't you hear them?!

The communications imp exclaims: I can take the abuse.  Really I can.  No.  Really.  Aaaarrrrrgggggggggghhhhhhhh!  Make it STOP!

The communications imp exclaims: Don't get me angry!  You wouldn't like me angry!

The communications imp exclaims: I should have majored in something easy like...Physics!

The communications imp exclaims: Memos! How hard can MEMOS be?!

The communications imp leaves west.

People at Uni - The Professor of Recondite Architecture

The Professor of Recondite Architecture is standing here.

> 

l professor

This is the Professor of Recondite Architecture and Origami Map Folding.  As one of the few people who understands the convoluted bent dimensions of the University, coupled with his prowess in origami folding, he is capable of constructing a map of the University (admittedly one that looks like an exploding crysanthemum) that would probably be accurate for the next few days.  He has nimble fingers and a long face covered in a silky smooth black beard with a truly impressive moustache.  His enquiring crystal clear blue eyes are often distant as he ponders new ways of folding paper, or perhaps thinking back to his childhood in Bonk.

He is in good shape.

He is standing.

Holding : a twisted wooden staff (left hand and right hand).

Wearing : a pair of pointy wizard shoes, a black velvet and vermine robe and a pointy wizard's hat.

His purse is home to only moths!

People at Uni - The Professor of Extreme Horticulture

The Professor of Extreme Horticulture and a handsome sheep shearer are standing here.

An eggshell white oak bench is standing beneath the chestnut tree and a wizardly brass lantern is hanging on a wall.

> The Professor of Extreme Horticulture mutters about the dangers of the sea.

look professor

This is the Professor of Extreme Horticulture, otherwise known as Pennysmart to his friends.  Due to an unfortunate accident involving an affronted jellyfish his legs have been permanently stained an extremely interesting shade of purple.  He boasts an elaborate white beard that, at times, brushes the ground, and spikey grey hair that shoots out from his head in every direction.  His great passion in life is walking the Unseen University octangle where it is statistically implausible that a sea creature could ever ravage him again.

He is in good shape.

He is standing.

Holding : a twisted wooden staff (left hand and right hand).

Wearing : a pair of pointy wizard shoes, a white velvet and vermine robe and a pointy wizard's hat.

His purse is home to only moths!

> In the distance to the southwest, the big bronze gong in the Temple of Small Gods bongs nine times.

The Professor of Extreme Horticulture picks up his beard just before a passing student uses it as a mat.

The Professor of Extreme Horticulture mutters something about jellyfish under his breath.

People at Uni - The Bursar

The Bursar is floating here.

A greenish-purple octarine oak bench is standing beneath the chestnut tree and a wizardly brass lantern is hanging on a wall.

> The Professor of Recondite Architecture moves west across the octangle.

look bursar

This somewhat elderly fellow is Dr A.A. Dinwiddie, more commonly known as the Bursar.  He took up the post after a rather unfortunate series of events involving a sorcerer, the Dungeon Dimensions, and a lot of screaming.  He has been steadfastly adding up numbers and generally trying to keep out of everybody's way ever since.

He is in good shape.

He is floating here.

Wearing : a pair of pointy wizard shoes, a rumpled wizard's robe and a pointy wizard's hat.

His purse is home to only moths!

> The bubble around you flickers slightly.

The Bursar crouches down and starts hopping around.

The Bursar looks a little confused.

The Bursar's throat suddenly swells out in front, and he looks alarmed.  He opens his mouth to scream - but what comes out is a rather different type of noise...

The frog that looks an awful lot like the Bursar croaks (ribbit).

The frog that looks an awful lot like the Bursar says: Ribbit bloody ribbit

People at Uni - The Lecturer in Recent Runes

The Great Hall of the Unseen University is where the faculty wizards get down to business, namely eating and drinking.  The hall roof is held up with lots of pillars.  The walls are hung with paintings of former Archchancellors.  This is the northern edge of the hall.  A stone archway is north.

There are six obvious exits: north, south, east, west, southwest and southeast.

Three small blue lights are zipping about and the Lecturer in Recent Runes is standing here.

A skeleton warrior arrives from the southwest.

A skeleton warrior succeeds in following you.

> The Lecturer in Recent Runes bows respectfully to you.

look runes

The Lecturer in Recent Runes is a surprisingly thin wizard, given the standards at Unseen University, and maybe only weighs fifteen stone.  The way he peers at you through his bushy grey eyebrows puts you in mind of a sparrow peering at a worm.

He is in good shape.

He is standing.

His skin looks as hard as rock, although it seems weaker around the stomach.

Holding : an old staff (left hand and right hand).

Wearing : a pair of hard leather boots, a white velvet and vermine robe, a purple sash, a large satchel and a pointy wizard's hat.

Carrying: a silver pipe and one handful of Grim's old blower tobacco.

Art of the Great Hall (4)

We move on to the last corner of the Great Hall which is currently worth visiting. Like the first we talked about, it will regale us with both scupture and painting:

The Great Hall of the Unseen University is where the faculty wizards get down to business, namely eating and drinking.  The hall roof is held up with lots of pillars.  The walls are hung with paintings of former Archchancellors.  This is the northwestern corner of the hall.

There are three obvious exits: south, east and southeast.

A statue of Ranma is standing on the floor.

>

look statue

This is an incredible six foot high statue of Senior Wizard Ranma, a well known fellow indeed.  It's a realistic life size piece carved out of marble with a divine touch from the gods.  Ranma shows the traditional signs of being a powerful wizard.  He has impressively long hair hanging down over said beard.  Quite a lot of long, thick hair, really.  Enough to make you wonder where the beard starts or ends, assuming it's not all hair.  Well, it's quite long, flowing and impressive, whatever it is.  His robes clearly were designed to scare creatures from the Dungeon Dimensions away.  Ruffles along the sleeves, pointy stars, wriggly, mystical looking symbols, a brocaded four and a half headed tiger, as well as invisible octograms show you that the wizard Ranma must be very powerful and has wonderful taste.  On its base is a golden plaque.

>

read plaque

You read the plaque:

Motto: "You want a quote?  What's that in the old money?".

look paintings

Look - there's Bimsted Marchripply, 103rd Archchancellor and inventor of the Bimsted Snarl, a special knot for tying tobacco pouch strings.

These are the past Archchancellors of Unseen University.  Some are unfinished, probably due to the high mortality rate among high-ranking wizards.

People at Uni - Havox

You see Elementalist Havox of the Ancient and Truly Original Sages of the Unbroken Circle, the Seventh Level Wizard. 
He is a strapping young human lad. 
He is in good shape. 
He is sitting. 
His skin looks as hard as rock, although it seems weaker around the head. 
He has a giant turtle shell floating around him. 
A smuggler's longcoat is billowing dramatically around him. 
He looks rather warm. 
Holding : a jagged coral dirk (left hand) and a Klein bottle (right hand). 
Wearing : a pair of smuggler's seaboots, a smuggler's longcoat, a smuggler's tricorn, five rose rhodonite rings, a pair of dark sapphire earrings, a pair of lavender amethyst earrings, a diamond ring, a gold and red coral ring and a blue crystal ring.

Art of the Great Hall (3)

We keep ambling along the Great Hall. Some random walks land us in front of this spot:

The Great Hall of the Unseen University is where the faculty wizards get down to business, namely eating and drinking.  The hall roof is held up with lots of pillars.  The walls are hung with paintings of former Archchancellors.  This is the northeastern corner of the hall.

There are three obvious exits: south, west and southwest.

A statue of Crispian is standing on the floor.

> 

look statue

This is an incredible six foot high statue of Senior Wizard Crispian, a well known fellow indeed.  It's a realistic lifesize piece carved out of marble with a divine touch from the gods.  Crispian looks very extraordinary and the sheer potency of this figure leaves you reeling.  As you gape with astonishment at his truly awesome beard, you are overcome with wonder at that totally astounding nose.  The hair coming out of those ears alone completely staggers you, but that is nothing compared with the way in which you are utterly overwhelmed by those astonishing feet.  This is one heck of a wizard.  And then some.  On its base is a golden plaque.

> The statue of Crispian stares back at you.

read plaque

You read the plaque:

Motto: "LIVE FATS, DIE YO GNU!!!"

People at Uni - Urwan

l urwan 

You see Staffmaster Urwan of the Ancient and Truly Original Brothers of the Silver Star, the Sixth Level Wizard. 

He is a strapping young human lad. 

He is slightly hurt. 

He is standing. 

His skin looks as hard as rock, although it seems weaker around the chest. 

He has a three star shield floating around him. 

Wearing : a black eyepatch, a silvery-red marina wool cloak, a smuggler's tricorn and a Klatchian steel coif. 

Carrying: a pair of airy white cotton trousers, an antique black dress, an official employment writ and a dusty rose konara oak staff. 

Unseen University Postcards - Scholar's Entry

This is one of the many small courtyards, niches, nooks, crannies, and other areas that occupy the frequent architectural faultlines of Unseen University's grounds.  To the east rises the tall brick wall between the University and Sator Square (the home of, or at least the pathway to, the thousands of delights that Ankh-Morpork has to offer) and to the south squats the blankly foreboding wall of the Porters' Lodge.  Since this is the time-hallowed secret path taken to leave the University when the gates are shut, officially the groundskeepers and staff take no notice of it.  Unofficially, Modo mows the grass here every other Thursday and comes around every morning to tidy up the damage caused by overweight wizards falling off the wall.

Art of the Great Hall (2)

Moving on to the next corner of the Great Hall, in the direction of the doors, we have the following:

The Great Hall of the Unseen University is where the faculty wizards get down to business, namely eating and drinking.  The hall roof is held up with lots of pillars.  The walls are hung with paintings of former Archchancellors.  This is the southeastern corner of the hall.

There are three obvious exits: north, west and northwest.

A statue of Eron is standing on the floor.

l statue

This is an incredible six foot high statue of Senior Wizard Eron, a well known fellow indeed.  It's a realistic life size piece carved out of marble with a divine touch from the gods.  From the mischievious grin on his face to the wise, caring eyes, this is an exact replica of him.  If you didn't know better you would think he was here now.  In fact you are almost sure that the statue just winked and you have a strange tingling feeling as if something is probing your mind.  On its base is a golden plaque.

You wince in pain at the tingling in your head.

> 

read plaque

You read the plaque:

Motto: "Show kindness to everyone, but if they dont respect the Guild, zap `em".

Art of the Great Hall (1)

The Great Hall of Unseen University is literally bursting with lots and lots of paintings of former Archchancellors and statues of wizards of yore, great in the lore. In the following pages we will be making a short detour through some of the most interesting pieces (at least, to our appreciation). We shall start in the southwestern corner:

The Great Hall of the Unseen University is where the faculty wizards get down to business, namely eating and drinking.  The hall roof is held up with lots of pillars.  The walls are hung with paintings of former Archchancellors.  This is the southwestern corner of the hall.

There are three obvious exits: north, east and northeast.

A statue of BlackHeart is standing on the floor

l statue

This is an incredible six foot high statue of Senior Wizard BlackHeart, a well known fellow indeed.  It's a realistic life size piece carved out of marble with a divine touch from the gods.  He is a tall, noble looking wizard, holding a great sword in its right hand while the left is holding what appears to be a ball of flame.  You somehow get the impression that the only reason you are still alive is that the statue is unable to make up its mind what would be most fun: to cut your head off or to fry you alive.  Perhaps you should leave before it makes up its mind?  On its base is a golden plaque.

read plaque

You read the plaque:

Motto: "Hex them till they glow, then curse them in the dark".

l paintings

The portrait of 53rd Archchancellor Farn Muttle attracts your attention.  Muttle is famous for building an extensive, and very costly, college of weather magic which was the pride of the campus until it was unfortunately demolished by a thunderstorm, two tornadoes, a freak tsunami, which developed in the Circle Sea and was funnelled up the river by Ankh Bay, and a shower of squid.

These are the past Archchancellors of Unseen University.  Some are unfinished, probably due to the high mortality rate among high-ranking wizards.

People at Uni - Thalic

You see Flatulent Thalic of Mrs. Widgery's Lodgers, the Seventh Level Wizard. 
He is a strapping young human lad. 
He is not fat, but working on it. He is in good shape. 
He is standing. 
He has a long, flowing and, above all, convincing brown beard. 
He has a sapphire studded shield floating around him. 
Holding : a tachibo (left hand and right hand). 
Wearing : a pair of gold wire glasses, a pair of black soft-soled boots, a pair of black trousers, a Guild of Bandits' tabard, a black silk shirt, a leather carryall, a black backpack, a wizard's pointy hat, five club badges, an utility belt, a fake beard, a turquoise scarab ring, a gold medallion, a rambler's canteen, a chain of stars, a sapphire ring, a diamond ring, a blue crystal ring, two twisted black amulets, a star sapphire ring, a gold watch and a gold ring. 
Carrying: a cured human left eye, a piece of writing paper, a caged ironwood case, a bronze helm, a hessian sack and a large rosewood jewellery box.

Art of the Octangle (12)

After our various and sundry wanderings, there remains only one corner of the octangle to be gazed upon by our prying eyes:

Here, southwest of the centre of Unseen University's main octangle, a large clock tower stretches overhead.  Spotless green lawns surround the cobbles underfoot, and ancient chestnut trees spread their boughs overhead.  A cobbled path leads south to the Tower of Art, and another continues east and north around the clock tower, past a magnificently corpulent statue of a wizard poised in the act of summoning food from nowhere.

The statue represents no other than the great food-invoking warlock Wurphle, of whose spells we make generous use at Unseen University:

This statue, believed to represent the legendary Wurphle himself, stands poised in the act of spellcasting.  A carved rat burger sits on his outstretched palm, as though freshly pulled from the magical realm of Dinner.

The first time I visited it, the food being invoked was a mint. This time, it was a burger. I imagine it magically changes from time to time:

l burger

Cleverly carved and only a little worn down by time and the elements, the rat burger has been sculpted as part of the statue itself.

And this concludes our ramblings around the octangle! Next we will be checking just a handful of the oldest statues that lie inside of the Great Hall.

People at Uni - Vyre

You see Masterful Vyre of the Hoodwinkers, the Fifth Level Wizard.
He is a strapping young human lad.
He is a larger wizard, with square shoulders and an aura of eminent authority.
He is in good shape.
He is standing.
His skin looks as hard as rock, although it seems weaker around the neck.
He is soaked and doesn't look that well at all.
He has a giant turtle shell floating around him.
He is encased in a translucent bubble.
He has a teacup pig clinging to his shoulder.

Smokescreen is billowing dramatically around him.

Holding : a scythe (left hand) and Demonic Dagger (right hand).
Wearing : Swaggering Stance, a pair of iron gauntlets, Smokescreen, Mirror Image and a teacup pig.
Carrying: a black velvet bag, some purple mineral powder, a crystal ball and a silver-hilted stile.

Art of the Octange (11)

Going south from our previous stop, in the inner square of the octangle that surrounds the Clock Tower, we come to here:

Here, at the southeast corner of the University's ancient clock tower, the Octangle stretches all around.  A clear cobbled area surrounds the tower, echoing the shape of the courtyard itself, and ancient chestnut trees stand tall near the corners, shading the lawns and the cobbled paths.  Mounted on the tower itself is a life-size statue of a previous Archchancellor and his dog, standing beneficient guard over a ground-level water fountain.

A fountain is pretty useful, especially if you have to make a floating cloud! I no longer have to visit the courtyard of the Institute of Illusionary Learning for this!

l statue

Tractamides 'Hunter' MacPherson, who took up the Archchancellor's Hat in the Year of the Paint-Stained Frog, was famously accompanied everywhere by his dog Sausage.  A sedentary and peaceful pair, they enjoyed short strolls in Wizards' Pleasaunce together until his death in what was either a student prank during Rag Week or a cunningly disguised assassination attempt.

l dog

Sausage was, as his name suggests, a sausage dog.  It has been tradition since Time Immemorial that Sausage should wear a hat.  Several theories have been put forward to explain this, but the most prevalent one is that it's easier than reaching up to balance one on his master.  He is currently wearing a miniature watchman's helmet.

l helmet

The Hatter is part of Unseen University's student folklore.  Nobody knows who is responsible for the hats, and efforts to find out have been thwarted by their inherent sneakiness, alcohol, the cover of night, and general ineptitude on the part of the investigators.

The hat, in fact, changes from time to time. Last time I looked, it was a cone.

A solidly built bronze bowl of fresh water, greened by time, sits at a convenient height for a small dog to drink from.

People at Uni - Gznang

You see Antiquated Gznang of the Ancient and Truly Original Sages of the Unbroken Circle, the Fourth Level Wizard.

A slightly overexuberant pugilist.

He is a wizened Agateanish figure. You can tell that he is a wizard, and not only from the hat, but from his eyes, portals threatening to pull you in... Sparks travel erratically accross his body.

He is in good shape.

He is sitting.

His skin looks as hard as rock, although it seems weaker around the chest.

Holding : Antique Flank Steak (left hand).

Wearing : a pair of smuggler's seaboots, a grey travelling cloak, a sequinned wizard's hat, a gold and red coral ring, a brass ring, a lapis lazuli earring, a detailed silver oak leaf ring, a nice silver friendship ring, a detailed copper oak leaf ring and an ornate silver oak leaf ring.

Carrying: a small string bag.

Art of the Octangle (10)

Moving eastwards from our last stop we find ourselves in another quaint corner of the inner square of the octagon:

Here, at the northeast corner of the University's ancient clock tower, the Octangle stretches all around.  A matching octagonal area of cobbles surrounds the tower, and paths lead from it eastwards to the gates and westwards to the Great Hall.  A time-worn statue of a plump wizard, ornately curled wig visible beneath the carved Archchancellor's Hat, stands proudly in a niche set into the tower itself.

Looking into the niche for more detail on the statue gives some nice details:

l statue

Archchancellor Riggmorton "Weatherman" Weatherby spent his academic life studying freak precipitation patterns and trying to work out just what brought on a rain of fish, furniture, or footwear rather than water.  His book, "Six Days in Pine Dressers", is required reading for all students taking the Envirothaumic Phenomena course, and it has been checked out of the library a record-breaking seventeen times.  One stone hand grasps a cloud thoughtfully.

l hat 

The hat has been set with real octarines, twinkling in any available light above the curled stone ringlets.

l ringlets

The hair of the statue is clearly a wig; no Archchancellor could possibly have sufficient patience to keep his curls that neat.

l cloud

Some decades ago, a waggish prankster enchanted the statue's cloud to rain illusory phenomena down onto the ground below.  It is currently dumping haddock upon the long-suffering cobbles.

l haddock

The haddock emanating from the cloud seem to vanish just before hitting the ground.

After I while I saw it turn to polished oak wardrobes, so I imagine you can also enjoy shoes if you wait long enough...

People at Uni - Marya

Maven Marya Marshmallow is sitting here, a marmalade cloud is floating in the air here and a proud black duck is standing here.

A shining lotus of ice is spinning atop a raised earthen dais.

Maven Marya Marshmallow's Master Splinter gets pounded by a gust but quickly recovers.

You think you noticed two small blue eyes inside the marmalade cloud, but you are not sure.

>

l marya

The proud black duck frolics all around proudly.

You see Maven Marya Marshmallow the Senior Wizard of the Sages of the Unknown Shadow.

She is moving aggressively towards you!

Pale of skin, covered in freckles and built like a (probably haunted) brickhouse. She has a heavy, muscular body, dark auburn hair and the look of someone who sprinkles nails to her morning porridge and probably enjoys it.

She is in good shape.

She is sitting.

She has a withered midnight rose, a withered dark rose and a withered yellow-orange daffodil neatly braided into her hair.

She is hovering in mid-air.

Her skin looks as hard as rock, although it seems weaker around the neck.

A Master Splinter floats around her head.

She is enveloped by sparkling black flames.

She has Ninja Turtle Squad floating around her.

Wearing : a pair of grey leather gloves, a shadowy grey raincoat, a dark lavender cravat, a grey leather hat, a gold earring and a mirrored earring.

Carrying: a thread spool, an open embroidery pattern book, a small piece of cigarette paper and a strip of white cloth.

People at Uni - Rienne

You see Mme Rienne Marshmallow of Mrs. Widgery's Lodgers, the Fifth Level Wizard.

 
She is an elf, fey and terrible.
 
Rienne is from Fairyland, a topsy-turvy world where cute little bunnies saw through flesh with razor sharp teeth, shrubberies are used as currency, and the only things holy are the hand grenades. Once a baby sold at a goblin market, she is now the most adorable agent of the fairy queen, from a land where adorable things are invariably fatally dangerous. So paint your roses red, grab that bird by the legs and swing for the hedgehogs, and make sure you keep your head in its fully upright and locked position, because this elf is several cards short of a croquet game. 

She is in good shape.

 
She is standing.
 
Her skin looks as hard as rock, although it seems weaker around the stomach. 
She has a three star shield floating around her.
 
An elven aura seems to cling to her.
 
She has an elegant hourglass figure.
 
Wearing : a pair of mirrored sunglasses, a pair of glass slippers, a milk white spider silk cape, a milk white spider silk cloak and a pair of crystal acorn earrings. 
Carrying: a fantastical toymaker's cloak, a wizard's pointy hat, a rubber knife, a black top hat, a practicing rope, a bright red yo-yo, a filigreed rowan case and two toy growlers.