Drinking spree!

By the way, I did manage to get access to the drinks in the posh bar. As usual, it is just a matter of tricky syntax and trying all the words that appear and might seem likely. 'Syntax move' is your friend here...

As for the contents, which didn't have any aftereffects on me appart from making me drunk, we have the following (and their looks):

Harry "Spider" Graham's Mindblaster

This is a plain-looking drink by cocktail standards, with only two layers, black and white. The only remarkable thing about this drink is that the layers are vertical, a strip of night side by side with a strip of light. There is about one tablespoon.

Vern "Lost" Heisenwurm's Possibly Potion

This very, very sticky drink is layered in bright hues of orange, blue, turquoise and pink. That alone should be enough warning to anyone who wishes to retain functional braincells. There is about one tablespoon.

Winkle's Old Peculiar

There are a few things that will make a Morporkian miss their home when they're in forn parts, and this beer is one. While Winkle's Old Peculiar is known to have killed quite a few people and (rumour has it) two horses, it is still one of the finest products of Ankh-Morpork.

Yusuf "Camels" Al Hazam's Sphinx Extractor

A sand coloured liquid which moves with a viscosity one would do well to be wary of. Strange sounds - of battle, music and camels - emerge at irregular intervals. There is about one tablespoon.

Jym "Wheelbarrows" Maxwell's Exploding Miasma

An odd-looking drink, this one, a pale blue liquid with yellow bubbles swirling through it. There is about one tablespoon.

Schorn "Tulip" Jacobs' Gastric Grinding

This drink is black, with little purple bubbles erupting on the surface. No sane person would want to know its ingredients, especially after drinking it. There is about one tablespoon.

Old Aged Sherry

This is sherry, a high class drink for high class establishments. Nowhere else would they let wine go rotten. There is about one tablespoon.

Matured Scumble

You take on a look of vague intentness. A slurping sound emerges from the crystal glass, and the smell of alcohol wafts stronger for a second.

Master Woddeley’s Luminescent Companion

What's it called? Master Woddeley’s Luminescent Companion (in short, MWLC)

What does it do? This is one of two light spells, which will help you for seeing in the dark if you are rather remiss at the guild point expenditure caused by yellow rings, or if as yet you are too poor (or too in danger) to buy yourself a permalight. The spell is easy to cast, but the blue light created tends to be a bit disliked, as it can be quite spammy, doesn't last for very long and can frequently be attacked by mistake (and a tough little bugger it is! syntax 'shoo' is your friend here). It can also only be cast on oneself, as opposed to other light forms and spirits.
Overall, it is quite a useful spell for the young wizard, though, and as stated, easy to cast.

Where is it? As one of the elemental spells for bringing about little beings from nothing-land, it is fit that it should lie inside the Cunjuryng for Begynners volume at the Unseen University Library

What does it require? nothing at all.

What skills do I need? Evoking, Channeling, Animating

Has it worked? The proper output should read something like this:

You prepare to cast Master Woddeley's Luminescent Companion.
You gaze off into the distance.
You hold your hand up in the air and call the light to it.
You close your fist slowly, drawing the light in with it.
A small blue light darts into the area and zips around you.

Help Information:

Master Woddeley's Luminescent Companion - A following light companion.

Master Woddeley's Luminescent Companion is a miscellaneous type spell which creates an animated ball of light to follow the caster.

Happy Hogswatch!

So... after much trying (even though now I am greatly absorbed by the perspectives and efforts of joining a Coffee Nostra family in Genua), I finally managed to navigate a lattice in the Unseen University cafeteria, gaining access to a new space: a posh outdoor bar only senior Wizards generally seem to be able to enjoy...

The maze of the lattice seems clear to you as you navigate your way through an opening.
The central feature of this bar is a tall cabinet wrapping around three of the four sides, with a long sideboard covering the fourth. Behind them is nothing but sky. A lush carpet lies underfoot, and several deep chairs are scattered around the platform, each accompanied by a small side table. The mood is one of sombre yet overpowering opulence.
It is a pleasantly warm autumn prime's morning with almost no wind and a beautifully clear sky.
There are no obvious exits.
The Green Slab box is near the entrance.
>
You whisper into the Sung family crest.
(Wizards) Winswand's wispy voice comes from the Sung family crest, saying: ok... got in!

>look cabinet
The alcoholic credentials of this bar are displayed along three of the four sides in this platform. On each corner of the platform sits a short, fat column of white marble. Resting on these are thin sheets of granite, coloured a deep arterial red. Under the sheets sit vats, some made of glass, others from ancient-looking oak or pitted and scratched metal. There appears to be no way to move the contents of the vats into a handy receptacle, but no doubt those entitled to be here know the secret.

>look columns
The columns supporting the top of the cabinet are white marble. They are inset with gold veins which wind around in glittering spiderwebs.

>look spiderwebs
An intricate golden tracery adorns the white columns, lending that touch of tasteless ostentation that just yodels "Wizard".

>look vats
Several large vats sitting under the counter hold the alcoholic contents of this bar. Most seem to be made from glass, and contain sticky, brightly coloured liquids, but others are of oaken construction, well weathered by time. Still others have been formed from metal which has been scarred where caustic liquids have bestowed their touch. Each one is sitting under a well-polished gold plaque, which presumably lists their contents.

>read plaques
Harry "Spider" Graham's Mindblaster
Vern "Lost" Heisenwurm's Possibly Potion
Winkle's Old Peculiar
Yusuf "Camels" Al Hazam's Sphinx Extractor
Jym "Wheelbarrows" Maxwell's Exploding Miasma
Schorn "Tulip" Jacobs' Gastric Grinding
Old Aged Sherry
Matured Scumble

>look sideboard
Continuing the theme of the cabinet, long strips of red rock stretch along the southern edge of this platform, forming a series of shelves.
On the sideboard are an ornate decanter, four crystal glasses and three crystal goblets.

>look decanter in sideboard
This extremely ornate decanter has been fashioned from intricately moulded crystal. Several upswellings of crystal resemble roses, each with a shimmering octarine at the centre.
It is in excellent condition.
It is open.

>look glass in sideboard
This glass has been fashioned from crystal, with a small octarine set into the base.
It is in excellent condition.

>look goblet in sideboard
This goblet has been fashioned from crystal, patterned with a ring of birds around the rim.
It is in excellent condition.
It is open.

>look carpet
The thick carpet is a blue so dark it is almost black. Points of glitter catch any available light, transforming the floor into a small, sparkling galaxy. It is speckled with many holes.

>look holes
Several holes have been cut out of the floor, to allow access for some highly polished pipes. Several of the holes are circular, but some of them are more exotic in nature.
Some of the holes in the floor are the best proof that this room doesn't exist in the set of dimensions commonly referred to as reality. The one shaped like a four cornered triangle is evidence enough.

>look chairs
The chairs scattered around are deep leather, thickly padded and black as midnight. They have curving arms which enfold the sitter, and a high back which protects the occupant from ambitious fellow wizards, as well as functioning as a pillow in times of need.

>look tables

Each chair is paired with a side table, cut from pine wood that looks whiter than pine wood has any right to be. Small black doilies decorate their surfaces, without which their tops would be mazes of overlapping circles.

I haven't found yet a way of getting my drinks, so if you have any suggestions, pray do tell, as I am dead thirsty...

Poetry in Motion

Inside the Unseen University, and aside from its dangerous grimoires, there's 2 other books that can be read. One is Woddeley's Occult Primer (and we've already talked about that one). The other is a 'closed slim book' that 'does not have anything written on it' (until you open it, that is).

I ignore who might have wrote the three poems that appear on it. Looks like some mischievous student work (but then 'work' and 'student' are oxymoronic words).

The first poem goes like this:

She was so beautiful,
And yet she could not stay with me,
Taken from me,
Back to the Lost Domain,
Away from the World of Men.

I held her and wept,
Weeping into her reddish-brown hair,
Wishing I could go with her,
But knowing that I could not;
Wishing that she could stay with me,
But knowing that she could not.
I looked at her,
At her dark brown eyes,
Pools of darkness, into which
I could fall,
And be lost forever.

Suddenly, something (inside?)
Took control of me,
And I cried out
As I let go of her,
And fell down.

I blacked out but could see
And hear what was about me,
But she was gone,
Back to the Lost Domain,
Away from the World of Men.

And now, all I have
Is a painting,
A fair replica,
But not fair enough,
With her hair and her eyes,
But not her smile.

Did she feel sad
At going from me,
Back to the Lost Domain,
Away from the World of Men?

The World of Men is now but a poor shadow,
And the Lost Domain has stolen my heart.

Master Glimer's Amazing Glowing Thing

What's it called? Master Glimer's Amazing Glowing Thing (in short, MGAGT)

What does it do? Better known as the high-enchantment spell, Master Glimer's allows you to enchant objects well above the minimum levels that can be achieved with the lesser, enchanting spells employed by young wizards and witches. A seasoned wizard with some powder and patience can take items to the level at which they radiate pure octarine brilliance, even though it is not a cheap thing, and usually only done for pay. It tends to be more worthwile generally to just enchant items up to levels 4 our 5 (as the effects tend to pass with time).
As to the uses and virtues of enchanting items, much can be said, but as repetition isn't generally a virtue, you can read about it here.

Where is it? As an alterer of thaums and magic flows, the spell belongs to the Introeductyon too thee Strukture of thee Multyverss grimoire at the Unseen University Library

What does it require?a funnel, an octogram and a handful of purple powder per cast (ouch!), which is evidently consumed in the process.

What skills do I need? Evoking, Earth, Chanting, Binding, Enchanting

Has it worked? The proper output should read something like this:

You prepare to cast Master Glimer's Amazing Glowing Thing on xxx.
You carefully hold the xxx in your hand.
You close your eyes and start to juggle the xxx.
You start to chant the glorious words of power; you can see small sparks trailing out to the xxx.
You stop juggling the xxx and hold it tightly in your hands, forcing the magic to bind itself to the xxx.
Drawing in the local enchantment, you pour it into the funnel onto the xxx.
The xxx glows a little more intensely than before.

Help Information:

Master Glimer's Amazing Glowing Thing - Magicalise an object.

Master Glimer's Amazing Glowing Thing is a high order miscellanous type spell which enchants an object to a certain extent.

It is much more effective than Brother Fluff's enchanting spell.

See also
Brother Happalon's Elementary Enchanting

Malich’s Penetrating Ocular Lance

What's it called? Malich’s Penetrating Ocular Lance (in short, MPOL)

What does it do? This is the easiest spell to cast, and generally, the first to be learnt. In spite of its high sounding and venerable name, the only thing it does is produce a small amount of damage on a selected target, based on a mind-to-mind confrontation with it (a fight of wills and intelligences. Careful with cats, as they tend to prove smarter than most humans and many wizards...). The damage is very small and capped (Sekiri says that even at best, it wouldn't ever surpass the 50 hps), so its use is fairly limited beyond the newbie threshold. It is efficient for killing rats and cockroaches non-manually, and the only offensive spell that doesn't employ any component.

Where is it? Being a total-newbie spell with almost non-existent skill and bonus requirements, it is logical to asume it will be hidden inside all of the Begynners' Magick volumes at the Gyms of the main institutions for the advancement of Wizardry.

What does it require? Nothing at all. A strong mindset (high INT) is appreciated.

What skills do I need? Channeling

Has it worked? The proper output should read something like this:

You prepare to cast Malich's Penetrating Ocular Lance on xxx.
You fix xxx with your stare.
Your mind tears into that of xxx.

Help Information:

Malich's Penetrating Ocular Lance - battle of wits.

Malich's Penetrating Ocular Lance is a zeroth order offensive spell that inflicts damage based on the relative strengths of your psyche and that of your target.

Kipperwald's Perlustration Prevention

What's it called? Kipperwald's Perlustration Prevention (in short, KPP)

What does it do? Well, this is your basic anti-scry spell. Kipperwald's job is to make the room in which you cast it absolutely safe and locked from all scrying attempts made against your person -at least, as long as you remain in the said room-. The protection is unbreakeable regardless of any of your would-be-scryer's bonuses. After some time (dependant on skills), the effect wears off and the room can be 'seen' again.

Its main utility, I gather, is in the PK World, a place where it is always good to have your presence hid and unfoundable from time to time. That's why it is a Last Order primary. Nevertheless, even then I don't think it is much use (they have their own unscryable 'safe room')

Where is it? Related as it is with seeing and not seeing, the spell belongs properly inside the Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Everything grimoire, at the Unseen University Library.

What does it require? An eye, which is consumed in the process, and an octogram.

What skills do I need? Convoking, Scrying, Divining

Has it worked? The proper output should read something like this:

You prepare to cast Kipperwald's Perlustration Prevention.
You think about giant eyes gazing upon you. With an evil grin, you squish the eyeball you are holding.
You think about scrying, spying and watching.
You feel the magical potential of the room, judging how to block spies.
You toss the eye into the centre of the octogram where it is consumed in a flash of octarine light.
The octogram flares in a bright magenta for a few seconds and the smell of sulphur fills the air.

Help Information:

Kipperwald's Perlustration Prevention - make a room impervious to scrying.

This is a defensive spell that causes a room to be protected from scrying for a limited duration.

Ah, yes: the boots

We don't have custom wizard shoes or boots as yet -at Rebecca Palm's there's some cheap pointy wizard shoes, but they don't quite do the trick-, so I have to content myself with the following pair of luxurious black men's boots, the result of a quick visit to a famous Morporkian (rather, Ankhian) cobbler...

>look boots

These solidly crafted boots are designed for the more demanding wearer and are crafted from luxurious black dragonhide in a wizardly style. The bronze buckles lightens the obvious strength of the design, and it sports a flat heel.
It could sheathe a knife or dagger.
The pair of luxurious black men's boots contains: Blade Of Morgul.
It is in excellent condition.

Kelleflump's Irritating Demon

What's it called? Kelleflump's Irritating Demon (in short, KID)

What does it do? A young daemonologist's handy helper, this spell should invoke a little, annoying and perky deamon (the small version of the other Kelleflump spell) that makes your fighting enemy lose concentration and suffer some very modest but interesting pain over time.
Its biggest setback isn't the small amount of damage it does, but rather the fact that you need a twisted black amulet to cast the spell. After some uses (variable, and depending on your castings skills when you made the said amulet with the appropiate spell) which don't usually exceed 10 or 12 at best, it will melt away and cause some freezing hurt, and the need to get another amulet to continue hurting others.
If it weren't for the amulet, the spell would be useful, specially for troll-finishing, as it ignores their skin. As it is, I don't tend to use the Irritating Demon much...

Where is it? Being one of the most recent additions to daemonologist lore, it is only fitting that it should be at the furthest book from the library entrance: the 'My Firste Demon-Summoning Booke! By Beatrix Faust' grimoire, at the Unseen University.

What does it require? It has already been mentioned: a twisted black amulet. And a knife, which isn't consumed (usually a handy dagger does the trick). A nasty mindset is quite optional, but fits the job (and cackling madly).

What skills do I need? Summoning, Cursing, Conjuring, Divining

Has it worked? The proper output should read something like this:

You prepare to cast Kelleflump's Irritating Demon on xxx.
You move your knife in an arcane gesture, slashing open the boundary between this dimension and the One Beneath.
Intoning a long string of ugly-sounding words that scratch and tear at your throat, you place the Mark of Unearthly Perdition on the xxx's brow.
You reach into the rip between the dimensions, and drag a small black demon into this reality between thumb and forefinger.
You reach out to the demon while it flies towards the xxx, all claws and warts and wide-open jaws, and establish a connection with its foul unearthly mind in order to share its delight in your victim's pain.
The xxx stiffens and then contorts in terror.

Help Information:

Kelleflump's Irritating Demon - Summons an imp to lay heavily on your target's mind.

During a fight, you gain an advantage if your opponent is busy thinking of other things. This spell makes sure this happens. Kelleflump's Irritating Demon summons forth an imp to assist you in your endevors.

Kamikaze Oryctolagus Flammula

What's it called? Kamikaze Oryctolagus Flammula (in short, KOF)

What does it do? One of the best single-hitting offensive spells, this spell will summon a varying horde of fire-bunnies which will start crashing and burning into your target. As to their number, it will vary depending on skills; they come in waves, the next one smaller than the previous one; nice methods and offensive should give arround 12 bunnies for the first group. 6 will be the staple at mediocre bonuses, and 4 can come in the worst of cases.
The damage they give is quite small, but adds up (it's one of those 'damage over time' spells), specially if you keep casting other offensive spells on the poor sod or proceed to mergings (that is, casting the spell again while the first cast is still in effect; this will merge the carrots involved -while throwing rabbits, the used carrot floats on top of the victim- and throw out a higher number of bunnies per wave. The danger is that re-casts while many bunnies are already coming out may lead to a failure, and the bunnies attacking the caster).
Two more virtues of the spell are that skills requirements are quite low (meaning it can be cast from early ages, even though it won't do much damage then) and the fact that, once cast, it is unavoidable: your running victim won't be able to elude them or hide while under its effects.
Overall, the spell is very useful, its main setback being the frequent use of carrots needed (and each costs almost a dollar, although they can be harvested for free in some places), that the damage only affects one victim, and over an extended period of time, and that trolls are greatly protected against its fire damage. Actually, the spell *can* be cast on more than 1 person, but it will spend a huge amount of gps (the whole amount used for the spell for each additional victim), cause less damage per head and have a greater chance of miscasting.

Where is it? As would be appropiate for a spell that consists of magically burning and wicked bunnies, it is only fit that it should lie in the charred pages of the Spelles of thee Arte of Fyre grimoire, at the Unseen University Library.

What does it require? A torch and a carrot. This second item is consumed, not so much in the casting as at the end of the bunny-waves, when it flickers out of existence.

What skills do I need? Convoking, Fire, Convoking (2), Fire (2)

Has it worked? The proper output should read something like this:

You prepare to cast Kamikaze Oryctolagus Flammula on xxx.
You wiggle your eyebrows around a bit.
You think about a nice, big, orange, burning carrot.
You point at xxx.
You ceremonially set fire to the carrot with the torch.
The carrot floats up and hovers above xxx.
X fire bunnies leap out of the ground and throw themselves at xxx.

Help Information:

Kamikaze Oryctolagus Flammula - A nasty bunny.

Kamikaze Oryctolagus Flammula is a first/second order offensive spell which summons fire bunnies to attack your targets.

Woddeley's Forgotten Front

So, what where you expecting? Journey of the Heavenly Storm Dragon? I'm not powerful (and mad...) enough to start as yet tickling the Dragon's tail...

I was going to write you about the custom shoes I've ordered (following Aznin's advice), and lament that we don't have that many wizzie customization options for them (would be nice to have some custom ones available at one of the guilds), but as the lazy cobbler still hasn't finished them, I have to find something else to rant about...

As newbie wizards (yes, we've all been that sometime or other...) you may have noticed (even newbies are capable of noticing things; at least, some of them... ) that our famous primer doesn't really inform you about all the skills that might be required of wizardry. From a general overview, one would guess that the magical skills explained are the ones that are most employed by wizards and might not be obvious from their names.

So, what are the skills that don't feature in its pages? Well, going block by block we have:

Elemental: as the name implies, these skills give you mastery over the natural elements (at least, before the invention of the Periodic Table... and in the Counterweight Continent they add strange things like 'wood' and others to them...). One or more of these skills is generally needed in the main offensive and defensive spells of the Disc. All combined, they make lightning for the Spear and Heavenly Dragons for the deadliest (both ways) of Agatean spells.

Air: probably, the most useful skill (with fire), as it is used in Sound and Smell room spells, in the Feathery Reliever, in the uncontrolable urges one and (like most) in Nimbus of Porterage and Weather Butterfly.
Earth: Its specifics are Brass Knuckles, Trollskin (important one), High Enchanting, or Seizing Hands. Only high requirements for the earthquake spell though...
Fire: Pragi and Firebunnies make it the most imporant elemental overall, even though requirements aren't that high for both the spells.
Water: Least useful of elementals. Aside from spells that are very easy or use them all, only the new amulet spell requires it (and at less than 200 bonuses).

Items: not that we use so many... at least those out of Silver Star/Brown range. Scrolls, wands and rings are the staple fare. Some items aren't even used by wizards.

Scroll(s): basic, although less so then for non-wizards who like to portal. Main use is having a personal library for those unfortunate deadly occasions...
Talisman(s): no use for us, except for deluding valuable and esteemed items (and that requires time and patience, but no wizardly magic)

Held:

Wand: probably the most useful of these, thinking on top level wands, like balsa, or low level but handy ones, like pickling sticks. Great variety of 'em too.
Rod: Marginal, it is a requirement for the top Star spell: Wonker's rubber weapon turning.
Staff: Mainly useless (someday they might re-discover staves with knobs though). Red staff (firebunnies thrower). Primary for all wizards.
Broom: out of our sphere, except for sweeping ash.

Worn:

Amulet: Flambardie's Grim Amulet requires a small amount of skill in it...
Ring: Quite useful, not so much in magic casting (still, there's the weather rings) as in using the Pink and specially the Blue rings (get out of danger).

We could also include the subsets of magic.spells and magic.points if we liked, and in that case, we'll see that their inmediate use isn't as obvious as the preceding ones.

Magic Spells: primaries for all, methinks; they are the staple fare of every wizard.

Offensive: mainly determines the damage capacity of your spells.
Defensive: same, but referred to duration and solidity of magical defenses.
Misc: same, but related to the subset of general, unclasifiable spells ('miscellany').
Special: determines mindspace (generally, you have to add your bonus + 30).

Magic Points: determines the maximum guild points you may spend on magical castings. In this case, it is your bonus + 50.

Out of the magic skills branch there's still two or three habilities which an all-spell casting wizard has to master up to a point (they are generally crafts skills and primaries for the Silver Stars):

Smithing: you know, foundry stuff. Nothing too fancy, though...

Gold: always handy for weather rings, rubbery turnings and detections galore, as well as for fixing your blorpled jewellery.

Carpentry: magical-wise, it does have some marginal uses, those being:

Turning: for detections and charms
Whittling: for sparkling staves and charms

Points: for repairing stuff or playing music, making pottery, etc... Now it isn't used for any spell I know of (even though it is still a Silver Star primary...).

Jorodin's Magnificent Communicator

What's it called? Jorodin's Magnificent Communicator(in short, JMC)

What does it do? Jorodin's turns any item of your choice into a full working talker, with a new line added to the item: ''Just beneath the surface, you can make out what looks like a pair of glittering eyes'. The help file gives a more flourishing description, as you'll see below, but that's the stuff.
Because Jorodin the shop-owner can turn the items you give him to talkers for the meagre sum of one dollar, the spell only has anecdotal value and use.

Where is it? Spellcheck Project's entry described a supposed tome, the 'Thyn Aire' book, where it could be found. If this was so in the past, it doesn't seem so now, as I've never found such a book in any of the libraries. The only present way to find the spell is through a scroll you buy at Jorodin's.

What does it require? An item, just about any item, that you want to turn into a talker (my present one is a Sung family crest).

What skills do I need? Channeling, Binding, Evoking

Has it worked? The proper output should read something like this:

You prepare to cast Jorodin's Magnificent Communicator on xxx.
You listen to the xxx.
You whisper meaninglessly to the xxx.
You exclaim: Pop!
Somewhere inside the xxx a pair of glittering eyes swirl into being.

Help Information:

Jorodin's Magnificent Communicator - communicate with others.

Jorodin's Magnificent Communicator allows the caster to summon a Loquacious Spirit from the Plane of Neverending Chatter and bind it to an inanimate object, forcing it to repeat the words of other nearby spirits and their masters for all eternity (not to mention their voice comes in various fashionable colours).