Jogloran's Portal of Cheaper Travel

What's it called? Jogloran's Portal of Cheaper Travel (in short, JPCT).

What does it do? This is everybody's favourite and probably most used spell (even by a high number of non wizards, thanks to scrolls). Jogloran's is the most efficient means of fast travel in the Disc. A succesful cast will open a dimensional portal to some other place in the Discworld, in the shape of a peculiar door. The only inconveniences of the spell are that 1) for casting you need to have the location you want to go to previously stored ('blorpled') in an item, be it a stone or jewellery; and 2) it requires quite high-end skills for opening a portal to the place you actually want to go (good to look through the door before crossing just in case, as you may land in many dangerous places, like the Shades or in the middle of the sky...). Even with said skills, misportals are quite regular currency, as are rumbling/burning doors which will burn you or explode in your face, specially if you are trigger-happy.

Where is it? In ages past, when it was easier to cast too, it lurked in the Begginer's Tomes. Now you have to enter the library to substract it from the Introeductyon too thee Strukture of thee Multyverss grimoire, at the Unseen University.

What does it require? A blorple, as stated. As is well known, there's two spells for creating them, which you have to cast (depending on the spell/item) on the room you want to store. Then, for portalling there, just cast Jogloran's on the said blorple.

What skills do I need? Enchanting, Evoking, Binding, Dancing, Banishing

Has it worked? A correct output should be something like this:

You prepare to cast Jogloran's Portal of Cheaper Travel.
You start to sketch a door in the air with your finger / the xxx (only if holding a staff).
The lines you sketched in the air start to glow a red colour.
A strange green smell escapes from the forming door and slowly wisps its way around the room.
You can see the door starting to materialise, and try to ignore the small figures looking eagerly at the opening.
You start dancing wildly around the floor throwing power and moonbeams at it in the hope of scaring off the creatures.
A xxx door solidifies with a satisfying thump.

Help Information:

Jogloran's Portal of Cheaper Travel - create a portal to a far land.

Jogloran's Portal of Cheaper Travel is a miscellaneous type spell that uses Rictor's unreality factor to create a portal between two places on approximately the same level of reality. It can be cast at either a blorpled rock or a clever piece of jewellery. If you do not want to be followed, you can "push" or "shove" the portal, which will make it fall over.

New Cloaks!

So... after a month away (RoundWorld), one comes back and the only thing that's new is... a wandering wizard in the Ramtops that seems to make custom wizzie cloaks that allow to sheathe wands... Well, they aren't an item I use much of ('cept pickling sticks) but it is worth a look and a try, ain't it?

Maurice Trimbleworthy says with a Lancrastian accent: Once, a wizard - well, a Lodger - came in and complained. Actually _complained_ that the hoods on my cloaks hid the mystical thingimabobs that he had dangling from his hat. Well, I said to him, why don't you push it back? He didn't have any answers to that.
say ahá! Gotcha! It's this dude...
You say: ahá! Gotcha! It's this dude...
> Maurice Trimbleworthy says with a Lancrastian accent: You can take a man out of the Ramtops, but you can't take the Ramtops out of a man. Why, I often used to go up to the top of the Tower of Art just to look over at Copperhead and Leaping Mountain.
say Do you make cloaks, Maurice?
You ask: Do you make cloaks, Maurice?
> say I would like to order a cloak, please, Maurice
You say: I would like to order a cloak, please, Maurice
> Maurice Trimbleworthy says with a Lancrastian accent: A bespoke cloak? Why, certainly.
Maurice Trimbleworthy asks with a Lancrastian accent: What material shall we make this from?
Maurice Trimbleworthy says with a Lancrastian accent: You can choose from the following: velvet, wool and silk.
say silk
You say: silk
> Maurice Trimbleworthy draws a quick elegant sketch on a piece of parchment.
A local wanders into the room. He reads a few of the notices on the bulletin board before scoffing loudly and storming out in a huff.
Maurice Trimbleworthy asks with a Lancrastian accent: And what colour would you like?
Maurice Trimbleworthy says with a Lancrastian accent: You can choose from the following: fourecksianite purple, malachite green, midnight black, charcoal grey, rose-coloured, diamond white, peridot green, sapphire blue, golden brown, raven black, mossy green, light brown, dark purple, cobalt blue, ultramarine, snow white, aquamarine, slate blue, garnet red, onyx black, dark green, light grey, dark brown, ocean blue, leaf green, smoky grey, stone grey, jet black, icy white, dark grey, dark blue, carnelian, sea green, sky blue, amethyst, ice blue, ruby red, burgundy, crimson, emerald, scarlet, indigo, violet, silver, purple, white, black, brown, green, topaz, blue, grey and red.
say malachite green
You say: malachite green
> Maurice Trimbleworthy says with a Lancrastian accent: Very well.
Maurice Trimbleworthy asks with a Lancrastian accent: Some traditional stars and moons? Or something else, perhaps?
You feel quite warm.
Maurice Trimbleworthy says with a Lancrastian accent: You can choose from the following: portraits of the seven-plus-one winds, depictions of the Tower of Art, mirrors and crystal balls, hammer and anvil symbols, snowflakes and icicles, ravens and ivy leaves, stylised birch groves, leering demon faces, the five elements, dancing skeletons, battling dragons, stars and moons, lightning bolts, swirling clouds, grinning skulls, ravening demons, crossed wands, flaming eyes, octograms, rabbits, sigils, glyphs and runes. say snowflakes and icicles
You say: snowflakes and icicles
> Maurice Trimbleworthy draws a quick elegant sketch on a piece of parchment.
Maurice Trimbleworthy asks with a Lancrastian accent: What kind of thread would you like those to be embroidered in?
Maurice Trimbleworthy says with a Lancrastian accent: You can choose from the following: rose-coloured silk, golden brown silk, cobalt blue silk, dark green silk, deep grey silk, daffodil silk, amethyst silk, purple silk, black silk, white silk, white gold, rose gold, blue silk, red gold, red silk, copper, silver, bronze and gold.
(Wizards) Dinsdale's wispy voice comes from the Sung family crest, saying that he considers trying NES.
say amethyst silk
You say: amethyst silk
> (Wizards) Dinsdale's wispy voice comes from the Sung family crest, saying: Backfires can be fatal though, can't they?
Maurice Trimbleworthy says with a Lancrastian accent: Very well.
Maurice Trimbleworthy says with a Lancrastian accent: Would you like some wand loops sewn into that? If so, there won't be room for pockets, so just say which you'd prefer.
A waiter with a haggard look on his face emerges from the room to the south and plumps himself down on the sofa with a deep, blissful groan. The gentle ringing of a bell to the east forces him to his feet, and with a slight sob he leaves the room.
Maurice Trimbleworthy says with a Lancrastian accent: You can choose from the following: wand loops and pockets.
(Wizards) Hitcher's wispy voice comes from the Sung family crest, saying: no only if you hold a pointy object
(Wizards) Kurupt's wispy voice comes from the Sung family crest, saying: Only if you have low hp.
(Wizards) Hitcher's wispy voice comes from the Sung family crest, saying: i think....
say wand loops
You say: wand loops
> Maurice Trimbleworthy says with a Lancrastian accent: An excellent choice.
Maurice Trimbleworthy says with a Lancrastian accent: Very well, let's see... that will be LSov 1|1|10|(2^3).
Maurice Trimbleworthy whispers to you with a Lancrastian accent: Your malachite green silk cloak will look like this: Long, flowing, and majestic, this cloak envelops the wearer in a swirl of malachite green silk from shoulders to knees. A number of snowflakes and icicles, done in amethyst silk thread, are scattered across the material, and the tall collar is embroidered with matching sigils of warding and protection. Just inside the front, four loops hang down, each one the perfect size to hold a wand close to hand.
Maurice Trimbleworthy asks with a Lancrastian accent: Does that meet with your approval?
(Wizards) Dinsdale's wispy voice comes from the Sung family crest, saying: How low is low?
(Wizards) Kurupt's wispy voice comes from the Sung family crest, saying: Under 2k.
say yes
You say: yes
> Vanessa Cutangle says with a Lancrastian accent: Excellent! Please take a look at our price list and then order whatever takes your fancy.
Maurice Trimbleworthy says with a Lancrastian accent: Very well, that will be around one day and sixteen hours.
Maurice Trimbleworthy says with a Lancrastian accent: Women! Wizards aren't supposed to get married, eh? Well, let me tell you, at a certain time in his life a man begins to regret that...
shrug
You shrug.

In the Assassin's Guild

It is a pity the ninjas don't allow us to use their facilities, as I would relish the possibility of trying their pottery room, learning their tea ceremony and doing some flower arranging and marbling (the last option isn't impossible, but the equipment for doing it counts as furniture, and I have no place to put it). The morporkian Assassin's Guild is open to all, though -at least, most parts of it. The poison labs remain 'off limits-, and taking a look at its classrooms, one find curious learning oportunities...
One I wasn't able to activate was the Komt of Yoyo's telling me assassin stories in the varied living languages of the Disc (he'll only do it if you're an assassin yourself), but nevertheless, you can try plaque-reading and (on a totally different scale) piano playing at the Modern Language and Music classroom. What I did discover to my delight in the next classroom (Monsieur le Balourd's Dance and Deportment) was this:

A large, airy room with strong wooden floors and a high, arching ceiling. A small piano sits carefully in one corner of the room, while an elaborately set up table is in another area. Posters outlining the basic steps of various popular dances line the walls, while instruction manuals and copies of Twurp's Peerage are scattered over a low table under the window. A room full of everything a student needs to turn themselves from bumbling buffoon, to social butterfly.
There is one obvious exit: west.
Monsieur le Balourd is standing here.
>
look ceiling
The ceiling arches high above your head, inlaid with rare woods. A crystal chandelier hangs from the centre.
>
look chandelier
A delicate crystal chandelier hangs from the centre of the ceiling, casting light over the room.
>
look piano
A recent invention, this piano is actually a pianola, a clockwork piano that plays music without the need to have a pesky musician sitting at it. It is a very expensive instrument, much more so than its non-clockwork counterpart, but is still within the Assassins' Guild's budget and is used to train students to deceive the eye.
play piano
You covertly wind up the piano and pretend to play a delicate Llamedos hymn.
>
play piano
You covertly wind up the piano and pretend to play a delicate sonata.
>
play piano
Saving...
You feel more able to deceive the eye.
You covertly wind up the piano and pretend to play a delicate sonata.

There's lots more to play with, in the class and in the guild. I'll keep looking...

Independent Recurring Vocaliser

What's it called? Independent Recurring Vocaliser (in short, IRV).

What does it do? Well, nor much really. This is a toy spell that will allow you to make any object you wish to 'talk' for an amount of time (time probably related to skills, but capped not too highly). Maybe 'talk' is excessive: the object will only repeat a line you instill on it, and repeat it from time to time. The effect is similar to that of an octagon pendant (which has to be 'trained', and whose line-repeating is permanent).
The spell isn't much used, except for comical lines and effects from time to time (roasts saying 'eat me' and things like that...).

Where is it? Like all its toy companions, it properly belongs to the Gym Tomes ('Begynner's Magick') that are kept in all major magical education facilities around the Disc.

What does it require? Nothing at all, unless you want to consider the item on which you cast it (which may be of any type) as a 'component'.

What skills do I need? Channeling, Binding, Evoking

Has it worked? A correct output should be something like this:

You prepare to cast Independent Recurring Vocaliser.
You sniff xxx (item).
You run your hands over xxx.
You exclaim: Pop!
xxx glows blue for a moment.
What message do you want xxx to repeat?

Help Information:

Independent Recurring Vocaliser - Make an object talk.

The Independent Recurring Vocaliser is a first order miscellaneous spell that causes an inanimate object to repeat a message every so often.

(general) wizard wares

So... we can't go running nakkid through the streets, can we? A wizard should have a set of proper vestments, as gaudy, tasteless and pretentious as possible. Master Winswand is no exception, and has been searching the best Discworld outfitters for his clothes.

A Wizard's main piece is his hat. Even though cheap 'wizard pointy hats' are easily available, there's nothing like the custom Agatean ones we can order at the Hat shop of the Agatean Wizards Guild, located behind the bookshop in Diamond Place, Bes Pelargic. This hat has been a long time with me (when I ordered it, I was still hardly mastering the subtle language of the Counterweight Continent), and houses lots of space for rings, charms, scrolls and other trinklets:

> l hat

This proper sapphire blue, silk crepe wizard's pointy hat has a perfectly cut lapis lazuli mounted front and centre which is surrounded by neatly embossed dragons. The embossed dragons are impressed into the silk crepe in such a way that the relief seems almost too realistic as they dance around the lapis lazuli, encircling it completely.
A shimmer of octarine radiates across the surface.
It appears to have something written on it.
The sapphire blue wizard's pointy hat has one inside pocket.

Another necessary piece is an appropiate robe. I tried my own order's once, but I found them a bit boring and easy to break. I still keep one in the wardrobe for solemn occasions, but for regular movement I prefer this other one, also ordered at a custom shop in the Bes Pelargic Wizard's Guild:

>l robe

This hand tailored bright yellow, heavy satin damask robe is lined with the finest turquoise rings. They also run the full length of the robe's front as to securely fasten it closed. On the back of this robe is an embossed firebird. The robe is so exquisitely crafted that even the embossing is encircled in tiny turquoise rings. The robe drapes to the floor in clean fluid lines and sweeps the ground gently with its subtle eloquence. Now this is a robe unlike any other.
It softly pulses in dull octarine shades.
It appears to have something written on it.
The bright yellow robe has one inside pocket.

The shoes are much less original, and as there's no nice, wizardry and light set of them (the nearest thing being the heavy necromantic boots of Dave), I stay with the modest and classic 'wizard pointy shoes', which incidentally, spoil very soon.

There was a time when I lived through an Agatean-style-and-culture craze. I still keep some quirks and bits from then, but not the gorgeous clothing (custom kimono, obi and zori), of which we'll talk some other day...

Heezlewurst's Elemental Buffer

What's it called? Heezlewurst's Elemental Buffer (in short, HEB).

What does it do? The main use of (uncle) Heb is to cast a protective magical shield around you that protects thee partially of the effects of adverse attacks of elemental magick. The nature of the protection is determined by the Rhokshial's crystals you employ in the cast: red protects against fire, blue against cold, green against acid and yellow against noxious fumes. Employing all of them should protect against all these and maybe, plasma attacks (from the Spear?).
I find the spell of little use, as I am very unusually the victim of magic attacks, and even in that case, the protection given by this spell is only partial (approximately, it soaks half of the damage). Its only real uses might be in pkdom, to avoid painful backfires, or as an extra protection while walking around the Alchemist Guild, but even then, I fear it would be too cumbersome to remember and have the components for any good it does.

Where is it? It rests, generally undisturbed, in the Introeductyon too thee Strukture of thee Multyverss grimoire, at the Unseen University Library.

What does it require? The focus of an octogram and from one to 4 different Rhokshial's crystals, at will. The crystal(s) being consumed in the casting.

What skills do I need? Channeling, Evoking, Binding, Enchanting, Convoking

Has it worked? A correct output should be something like this:

You prepare to cast Heezlewurst's Elemental Buffer on a a small blue crystal, a small yellow crystal and a small red crystal.

You look closely at a small blue crystal, a small yellow crystal and a small red crystal.
You feel how the octogram affects magic nearby.
You observe the symmetries of a small blue crystal, a small yellow crystal and a small red crystal and the octogram.
You stare deep into a small blue crystal, a small yellow crystal and a small red crystal.
You drop a small blue crystal, a small yellow crystal and a small red crystal into the centre of the octogram.
A small blue crystal, a small yellow crystal and a small red crystal seem to twist and merge into a hazy blue, yellow and red stream of light, which rises and surrounds you.

Notes:

The spell is damn huge. It occupies tons of mindspace, takes some time to cast and consumes an outstanding 300 gps.

Different outputs have been known to happen. As I don't cast this spell regularly, they might be even more abundant. I got this one once:

You prepare to cast Heezlewurst's Elemental Buffer on a a small blue crystal, a small yellow crystal and a small red crystal.
You examine a small blue crystal, a small yellow crystal and a small red crystal.
You sense the magical field of the octogram.
You count the faces of a small blue crystal, a small yellow crystal and a small red crystal and the points of the octogram.
You hold a small blue crystal, a small yellow crystal and a small red crystal tightly in a fist.
You hurl a small blue crystal, a small yellow crystal and a small red crystal into the centre of the octogram.
A small blue crystal, a small yellow crystal and a small red crystal seem to twist and merge into a hazy blue, yellow and red stream of light, which rises and surrounds you.

Help Information:

Heezlewurst's Elemental Buffer - Magical shield.

Heezlewurst's Elemental Buffer is a first order defensive spell that should be cast on Rhokshial's crystals of the appropriate nature in order to generate a shield against offensive manifestations of elemental magic.

Ouch... (and room spells)

Most unfortunate death today (been a long time since I met the guy WHO TALKS LIKE THIS). Running alone after lions at half your health and without the trollskin is really asking for it. Quite some experience was thrown down the drain, but that's my fault... tsk, tsk

Anyway, I wanted to briefly comment today some of the room spells we have. As you all know, a wizard's main offensive spells tend to fall on this lot. True, there are some good individual ones (notable the Spear and Fire Bunny spells), but for various reasons (specially components, time and spent guild points) they don't compensate as much as the others.

When it comes to room spells, the choice really comes down to three[1] : Pragi's Fiery Gaze, Effermhor's Hypersonic Assault and G’flott’s Olfactory Nightmare. In the past, there were some differences as amounts the damage, mindspace and time of casting they had. This has now been changed, and the 3 have been more or less equalized. Nevertheless, they still present their own unique advantages and disadvantages:

-Pragi's is the staple spell, and the one any wizard is probably going to cast most all through his life. It consists of a ball of fire that you throw at all the people in the room, burning them badly in the process. Among its strong points are that it is very good at taskmastering enchanting (and many of us don't have it as a primary), a more or less decent damage with regular skills and, above all, the cheapness and inexaustibily of its component: an eye. Being able to harvest them while killing makes it very easy to never run out of components (indeed, it is the one wizard offensive spell that you're likely to use when grouping).
On the down said, the main problem is it hardly affects trolls, so you'll need another stuff (either the Spear, Effermhor's or simple melee) when having to tackle them.

-Effermhor's is a very similar spell. In this case, the damage produced on those that surround you is produced by a blast of pure sound that will grate or greatly hurt the ears (and bones) of others. It doesn't tm as well as Pragi, but it has advanced by Dancing skills (Fred Astaire, tremble!) quite a bit...
As size and damage don't change, the main advantage of the spell is that sound affects troll in a greater degree then the other attacks, making this spell ideal for those large concentrations of troll bodyguards and warriors that tend to abound in some pubs and streets of Ankh-Morpork. Its main setback are the components: a jar of mandrake roots and (specially) beeswax candles, which are consumed in the casting. Problem being candles are to be found in infinitely less numbers than eyes (and yet there's up to 8 shops I frequent that sell them).

-Last, we have G’flott’s, which causes a cloud of toxic gas to affect all people with noses and general breathing apparatuses in your inmediate vicinity. Traditionally the less employed of this trio, its better point is the fact the its component (sulphur blocks) can stack: you may carry huge amounts of them in your backpack while occupying only one item slot. But the problems are two: blocks are harder to find and collect in grand quantities (I know of about 4 places that sell them, and not many at a time), and the damage on trolls is even lower than Pragi's.

You'll probably find yourself using some or all of these spells at a time. I had the three in my mind for a time, but the ones I rely on (and which I have remembered at the moment) are Pragi and Effermhor's, their adequate, specialized roles working decently well for me (except when I have silly accidents, like today. I should improve my offensive bonuses, as it still takes me too long to kill creatures like lions...).

[1] There's also Pragi's Lost Gaze, an oriental, watered-down Pragi whose advantage is that it can be cast from a different room. But the fact that it does substantially less damage, and the huge weight of its components make it unpractical except for fetishistic wizards with high strength or a permanent, pet cloud accompanying them...