People at Uni - The Communications Imp

The communications imp is standing here.

> The communications imp exclaims: Hello!  Busy afternoon isn't it, Winswand?!

The communications imp mutters something about wizards under its breath.

look imp

The communications imp exclaims: BLAST!

This is the University's Official Communications imp.  His job is to make sure all memos go through as they should and when they should.  Sharply, he twitches from the overwhelming stress of coordinating such uncoordinated beasts as wizards.  His little horns have slight chips in them from banging his head on the wall one too many times, and his little wings flutter to and fro in a flurried state of unrest.  The last thing this little imp needs is another cup of coffee.

It is in good shape.

It is standing.

> To the southwest, the town crier shouts: The AM Daily newspaper is currently recruiting reporters and other authors! Contact Jeanie for details.

The communications imp exclaims: I think I might need a therapist.  Are you available?!

The communications imp exclaims: Can you hear those voices too?  Certainly, you MUST be able to hear all these voices!  There are hundreds of them!  Can't you hear them?!

The communications imp exclaims: I can take the abuse.  Really I can.  No.  Really.  Aaaarrrrrgggggggggghhhhhhhh!  Make it STOP!

The communications imp exclaims: Don't get me angry!  You wouldn't like me angry!

The communications imp exclaims: I should have majored in something easy like...Physics!

The communications imp exclaims: Memos! How hard can MEMOS be?!

The communications imp leaves west.

People at Uni - The Professor of Recondite Architecture

The Professor of Recondite Architecture is standing here.

> 

l professor

This is the Professor of Recondite Architecture and Origami Map Folding.  As one of the few people who understands the convoluted bent dimensions of the University, coupled with his prowess in origami folding, he is capable of constructing a map of the University (admittedly one that looks like an exploding crysanthemum) that would probably be accurate for the next few days.  He has nimble fingers and a long face covered in a silky smooth black beard with a truly impressive moustache.  His enquiring crystal clear blue eyes are often distant as he ponders new ways of folding paper, or perhaps thinking back to his childhood in Bonk.

He is in good shape.

He is standing.

Holding : a twisted wooden staff (left hand and right hand).

Wearing : a pair of pointy wizard shoes, a black velvet and vermine robe and a pointy wizard's hat.

His purse is home to only moths!

People at Uni - The Professor of Extreme Horticulture

The Professor of Extreme Horticulture and a handsome sheep shearer are standing here.

An eggshell white oak bench is standing beneath the chestnut tree and a wizardly brass lantern is hanging on a wall.

> The Professor of Extreme Horticulture mutters about the dangers of the sea.

look professor

This is the Professor of Extreme Horticulture, otherwise known as Pennysmart to his friends.  Due to an unfortunate accident involving an affronted jellyfish his legs have been permanently stained an extremely interesting shade of purple.  He boasts an elaborate white beard that, at times, brushes the ground, and spikey grey hair that shoots out from his head in every direction.  His great passion in life is walking the Unseen University octangle where it is statistically implausible that a sea creature could ever ravage him again.

He is in good shape.

He is standing.

Holding : a twisted wooden staff (left hand and right hand).

Wearing : a pair of pointy wizard shoes, a white velvet and vermine robe and a pointy wizard's hat.

His purse is home to only moths!

> In the distance to the southwest, the big bronze gong in the Temple of Small Gods bongs nine times.

The Professor of Extreme Horticulture picks up his beard just before a passing student uses it as a mat.

The Professor of Extreme Horticulture mutters something about jellyfish under his breath.

People at Uni - The Bursar

The Bursar is floating here.

A greenish-purple octarine oak bench is standing beneath the chestnut tree and a wizardly brass lantern is hanging on a wall.

> The Professor of Recondite Architecture moves west across the octangle.

look bursar

This somewhat elderly fellow is Dr A.A. Dinwiddie, more commonly known as the Bursar.  He took up the post after a rather unfortunate series of events involving a sorcerer, the Dungeon Dimensions, and a lot of screaming.  He has been steadfastly adding up numbers and generally trying to keep out of everybody's way ever since.

He is in good shape.

He is floating here.

Wearing : a pair of pointy wizard shoes, a rumpled wizard's robe and a pointy wizard's hat.

His purse is home to only moths!

> The bubble around you flickers slightly.

The Bursar crouches down and starts hopping around.

The Bursar looks a little confused.

The Bursar's throat suddenly swells out in front, and he looks alarmed.  He opens his mouth to scream - but what comes out is a rather different type of noise...

The frog that looks an awful lot like the Bursar croaks (ribbit).

The frog that looks an awful lot like the Bursar says: Ribbit bloody ribbit

People at Uni - The Lecturer in Recent Runes

The Great Hall of the Unseen University is where the faculty wizards get down to business, namely eating and drinking.  The hall roof is held up with lots of pillars.  The walls are hung with paintings of former Archchancellors.  This is the northern edge of the hall.  A stone archway is north.

There are six obvious exits: north, south, east, west, southwest and southeast.

Three small blue lights are zipping about and the Lecturer in Recent Runes is standing here.

A skeleton warrior arrives from the southwest.

A skeleton warrior succeeds in following you.

> The Lecturer in Recent Runes bows respectfully to you.

look runes

The Lecturer in Recent Runes is a surprisingly thin wizard, given the standards at Unseen University, and maybe only weighs fifteen stone.  The way he peers at you through his bushy grey eyebrows puts you in mind of a sparrow peering at a worm.

He is in good shape.

He is standing.

His skin looks as hard as rock, although it seems weaker around the stomach.

Holding : an old staff (left hand and right hand).

Wearing : a pair of hard leather boots, a white velvet and vermine robe, a purple sash, a large satchel and a pointy wizard's hat.

Carrying: a silver pipe and one handful of Grim's old blower tobacco.

And a book with many facets!

This is the last of the available finesmithing books, I believe:

You get a closed gemcutting pattern book from a large wardrobe.

> 

look book

A linen-bound book featuring rough pictures of rubies, emeralds, sapphires and diamonds screen-printed on the front cover.

It appears to have something written on it.

It is closed.

> 

read book

You read the cover of the closed gemcutting pattern book:

Written in embossed silver letters:

     An Introduction to Gemcutting     

             By L. Peabody

Friendship ring

Deftly crafted from gold and decorated with a setting for a tiny gem side-by-side with a setting for a tiny gem, this ring symbolises friendship and affection.

Lapel pin

This lapel pin is elegant in its simplicity. It has been skilfully crafted from electrum and features a setting for a medium gem at one end.

Hipflask

A stylishly formed hipflask forged from black gold. It has been created such that it molds to the shape of the body when worn in a pocket. A setting for a large gem adds a decorative touch to the cap of the vessel.

Tiara

A setting for a huge gem sits centrally in this tiara, with two empty large gem settings displayed on either side of it. Held in elegantly sculpted swirls of electrum, the settings add to what is already a rather pretty piece of jewellery.

Bracelet

This bracelet has been formed by delicately sculpted leaves of electrum. Evenly spaced amongst the leaves are four stylised daisies, their centres formed by four empty small gem settings.

From Casting to Crafting - A introduction

It is a myftery to many young wyzards why fome fpelles and artefactes demand more than mere incantation, yet thofe who wifhe to master the full art of magic must learn the delicate balance betwixt casting and crafting. For, juft as the wordes of power alone may fumon a flame or bring forth light, there are fpelles and itemes whofe true potential is unlocked only through the fyner arts of working one’s handes. Crafting and spellcraft are, in truth, two fides of the fame coin—one cannot fummon the greateft magical forces without knowing how to shape them into the phyfical forms of golde, of iron and wood.

In the making of magical artefactes, such as enchanted amulets, charmes, wizzard sacks or ringes, it is not enough to merely caft a fpell upon an object. The craftfmanship muft be of equal care. The wood muft be carved to perfection, the metal forged to an exact fpecification, and the stone cut juft fo, for the enchantment to bind properly. The wyzard must learn to wield hammer and quill in equal measure, fteady hand to fashion the artefact, fteady mind to channel the magic into it. Without both, even the most potent fpell will difsipate, unbound and wasted.

Art of the Great Hall (4)

We move on to the last corner of the Great Hall which is currently worth visiting. Like the first we talked about, it will regale us with both scupture and painting:

The Great Hall of the Unseen University is where the faculty wizards get down to business, namely eating and drinking.  The hall roof is held up with lots of pillars.  The walls are hung with paintings of former Archchancellors.  This is the northwestern corner of the hall.

There are three obvious exits: south, east and southeast.

A statue of Ranma is standing on the floor.

>

look statue

This is an incredible six foot high statue of Senior Wizard Ranma, a well known fellow indeed.  It's a realistic life size piece carved out of marble with a divine touch from the gods.  Ranma shows the traditional signs of being a powerful wizard.  He has impressively long hair hanging down over said beard.  Quite a lot of long, thick hair, really.  Enough to make you wonder where the beard starts or ends, assuming it's not all hair.  Well, it's quite long, flowing and impressive, whatever it is.  His robes clearly were designed to scare creatures from the Dungeon Dimensions away.  Ruffles along the sleeves, pointy stars, wriggly, mystical looking symbols, a brocaded four and a half headed tiger, as well as invisible octograms show you that the wizard Ranma must be very powerful and has wonderful taste.  On its base is a golden plaque.

>

read plaque

You read the plaque:

Motto: "You want a quote?  What's that in the old money?".

look paintings

Look - there's Bimsted Marchripply, 103rd Archchancellor and inventor of the Bimsted Snarl, a special knot for tying tobacco pouch strings.

These are the past Archchancellors of Unseen University.  Some are unfinished, probably due to the high mortality rate among high-ranking wizards.

People at Uni - Havox

You see Elementalist Havox of the Ancient and Truly Original Sages of the Unbroken Circle, the Seventh Level Wizard. 
He is a strapping young human lad. 
He is in good shape. 
He is sitting. 
His skin looks as hard as rock, although it seems weaker around the head. 
He has a giant turtle shell floating around him. 
A smuggler's longcoat is billowing dramatically around him. 
He looks rather warm. 
Holding : a jagged coral dirk (left hand) and a Klein bottle (right hand). 
Wearing : a pair of smuggler's seaboots, a smuggler's longcoat, a smuggler's tricorn, five rose rhodonite rings, a pair of dark sapphire earrings, a pair of lavender amethyst earrings, a diamond ring, a gold and red coral ring and a blue crystal ring.

My other Grimoire

l grimoire

This is a revolting alligator, captured from the swamps of Genua in a (perhaps misguided) attempt at domestication.  A sensible person may question the wisdom of having a powerful, deadly reptile as a pet, but such people are unlikely to get close enough to one to see that underneath those scales and behind those vicious teeth, beats a heart of gold.  Well... with enough training, that is.

She is in good shape.

She is standing.

She looks generally quite cheerful.

Carrying: a big wooden box and a black silk backpack.

And another jewellery book!

You get an open gemmed jewellery pattern book from a large wardrobe.

>

look book

This hefty leather-bound tome has been tooled with images of rings, interlocking and bisecting, and is decorated with gold leaf.

It appears to have something written on it.

It is closed.

> 

read book

You read the cover of the closed gemmed jewellery pattern book:

Written in ornately flourished letters:

Making Jewellery with Gems

    L. B. N. Wiggletoes 

Flame ring

This lovely platinum ring bears a device depicting the Undying Flame, the fire famously stolen from the gods by the Disc's first thief, Mazda.  It is set with a single setting for a small gem.

Sword necklace

This beautiful sword-shaped pendant of gold is quite detailed, even down to the groove in the blade and the binding of the hilt.  There is a setting for a medium gem set into the hilt of the sword.  It hangs on a sturdy chain of the gold.

Cat earrings

A pair of platinum earrings, each fashioned into a likeness of a cat's head in profile featuring two empty tiny gem settings as eyes.

Cabbage earrings

Each intricately crafted earring is formed by a single piece of gold.  The earrings feature four empty tiny gem settings in place of eyes.  They gaze lovingly at their wearer.

Cat brooch

A delicately-made gold brooch, made to look like a cat's head.  Its ears are pricked, and instead of eyes it features two empty tiny gem settings.  It seems to gaze dreamily into space.

Cabbage brooch

This intricately crafted brooch is formed by a single piece of gold.  The brooch features two empty tiny gem settings in place of eyes.  They gaze lovingly at their wearer.

Wizard hat necklace

A tiny, beautifully made gold wizard hat dangles alluringly from a pretty chain of star-shaped links.  The hat is also etched delicately with stars.  The place of the central, most promiment star is occupied by a sparkling setting for a tiny gem.

Nipple rings

An elegantly simple red gold ring bears a gleaming bead in which is set a setting for a small gem.

Horse head necklace

The severed horse head pendant dangling from this gold necklace might be a match for the headless horse said to terrorise the village of Slippery Hollow.  Its setting for a medium gem eyes stare menacingly at the world as though contemplating its next victim.

Windmill necklace

The pendant on this gold necklace is an almost exact replica of the windmill at Slippery Hollow.  Lines are etched on the front to show where the door is, and the four blades rotate slowly around a setting for a small gem in the centre.

Brooms

The laft of the magically held artefactes we fhould mention be brooms, but truth be told, they are utterly ufeleffe to wyzards. They be not only fymbolick of witch magick, but quite useful to wart-wearing ladies as their main meanes of transportation to and fro, in a like yet diftinct manner to how wyzards womble about through portals and magical doores. Flying brooms requireth diftinct skills, fuch as fuelling the broom and having an outdoores perfon to direct it whilft flying. But, as hath been faid, thoſe be topics for a different volume than this one.

Art of the Great Hall (3)

We keep ambling along the Great Hall. Some random walks land us in front of this spot:

The Great Hall of the Unseen University is where the faculty wizards get down to business, namely eating and drinking.  The hall roof is held up with lots of pillars.  The walls are hung with paintings of former Archchancellors.  This is the northeastern corner of the hall.

There are three obvious exits: south, west and southwest.

A statue of Crispian is standing on the floor.

> 

look statue

This is an incredible six foot high statue of Senior Wizard Crispian, a well known fellow indeed.  It's a realistic lifesize piece carved out of marble with a divine touch from the gods.  Crispian looks very extraordinary and the sheer potency of this figure leaves you reeling.  As you gape with astonishment at his truly awesome beard, you are overcome with wonder at that totally astounding nose.  The hair coming out of those ears alone completely staggers you, but that is nothing compared with the way in which you are utterly overwhelmed by those astonishing feet.  This is one heck of a wizard.  And then some.  On its base is a golden plaque.

> The statue of Crispian stares back at you.

read plaque

You read the plaque:

Motto: "LIVE FATS, DIE YO GNU!!!"

People at Uni - Urwan

l urwan 

You see Staffmaster Urwan of the Ancient and Truly Original Brothers of the Silver Star, the Sixth Level Wizard. 

He is a strapping young human lad. 

He is slightly hurt. 

He is standing. 

His skin looks as hard as rock, although it seems weaker around the chest. 

He has a three star shield floating around him. 

Wearing : a black eyepatch, a silvery-red marina wool cloak, a smuggler's tricorn and a Klatchian steel coif. 

Carrying: a pair of airy white cotton trousers, an antique black dress, an official employment writ and a dusty rose konara oak staff. 

Unseen University Postcards - Scholar's Entry

This is one of the many small courtyards, niches, nooks, crannies, and other areas that occupy the frequent architectural faultlines of Unseen University's grounds.  To the east rises the tall brick wall between the University and Sator Square (the home of, or at least the pathway to, the thousands of delights that Ankh-Morpork has to offer) and to the south squats the blankly foreboding wall of the Porters' Lodge.  Since this is the time-hallowed secret path taken to leave the University when the gates are shut, officially the groundskeepers and staff take no notice of it.  Unofficially, Modo mows the grass here every other Thursday and comes around every morning to tidy up the damage caused by overweight wizards falling off the wall.

A ring to murder for

So I got myself yet another goldsmithing book, Jewelled Rings for All Occassions, by Bashful 'Bonecrusher' Bledrickson, and I've given a shot to each of its 10 rings (no jewel-setting yet, though). Although the author is evidently a dwarf, it seems to have been made mostly with assassins in mind, as besides 3 or 4 options, most look like 'house' rings.

look book

A linen-bound book displaying a single jewelled engagement ring, embossed in gold on the front cover.

Engagement ring

Deftly crafted from gold this solid band serves as the backdrop to a setting for a large gem; a symbol of love.

Hearts engagement ring

A slender band of gold has been sculpted with a delicate design of interlaced hearts and adorned with a setting for a medium gem to symbolise a promise of marriage.

Gaudy ring

A setting for a huge gem takes centre stage on this elaborately designed ring that features swirls of gold.

Cobra ring

A cobra crafted from gold coils around to form this ring.  The snake's hooded head is raised as if poised to strike.  Eyes take the form of two empty tiny gem settings

Viper ring

A gold representation of a deadly viper, this ring has been skilfully shaped to coil around a finger.  It has a distinctive zigzag pattern etched into its back and even the scales are painstakingly represented.  The head, with two empty tiny gem settings for eyes, is reared to strike.

Black Widow ring

A band of gold spiderweb stretches to encircle the finger, with a large gold spider sitting patiently on the front of the ring.  The spider's back holds an hourglass marking, accentuated by two empty tiny gem settings.

Raven ring

A row of sculpted gold eyeballs forms the band of this ring.  A large depiction of a sleek raven in profile decorates the front of the ring with a setting for a tiny gem for its eye and a setting for a medium gem clutched in its beak.

Bands ring

This ring has been carefully sculpted from gold to give the appearance of three distinct bands merging.  A setting for a large gem completes this study in simple elegance.

Scorpion ring

Obviously crafted by a craftsperson of some skill, this gold ring features a delicately sculpted scorpion.  Its fearsome tail is arched and poised for a lethal strike, the sting tipped with a drop of venom, represented by a setting for a tiny gem.

Tree Frog ring

Gold has been forged and sculpted into a tree branch form and coiled to create this ring.  Sitting on the front is a tree frog with two empty tiny gem settings for eyes

Not that I would ever be caught wearing one of these, nice as they are, but I guess I could be employed by some wearer of black to make them for him or her...

Wands

Amongft magically held artefactes, it is the lore of the flender and fhort wandes that hath been preferved the moft. To unleafe their magick, juft as the power of ftaves needeth to be invoked, and that of ringes to be twifted, with wandes one zappeth the intended target of the fpelles. Many and fundry be their uses, though moft of them be but playthinges for forcerers: the creation of permanent fources of light, the removall of charges from another artefact, getting rid of fleas, pickling itemes to prevent decay, healing, and dealing a moderate amount of elementall damage be but a few of the moft common.

Art of the Great Hall (2)

Moving on to the next corner of the Great Hall, in the direction of the doors, we have the following:

The Great Hall of the Unseen University is where the faculty wizards get down to business, namely eating and drinking.  The hall roof is held up with lots of pillars.  The walls are hung with paintings of former Archchancellors.  This is the southeastern corner of the hall.

There are three obvious exits: north, west and northwest.

A statue of Eron is standing on the floor.

l statue

This is an incredible six foot high statue of Senior Wizard Eron, a well known fellow indeed.  It's a realistic life size piece carved out of marble with a divine touch from the gods.  From the mischievious grin on his face to the wise, caring eyes, this is an exact replica of him.  If you didn't know better you would think he was here now.  In fact you are almost sure that the statue just winked and you have a strange tingling feeling as if something is probing your mind.  On its base is a golden plaque.

You wince in pain at the tingling in your head.

> 

read plaque

You read the plaque:

Motto: "Show kindness to everyone, but if they dont respect the Guild, zap `em".

People of the Disc - Riverphoenix

You see Venerable Riverphoenix the Monitor of Muggers of the Thieves' Guild.

He is a strapping young human lad.

He is in good shape.

He is kneeling.

His skin looks as hard as rock, although it seems weaker around the chest.

Holding : a pair of tongs (left hand).

Wearing : a pair of black cashmere gloves, a pair of coffee brown batiste trousers, a wild honey batiste shirt, a black velvet bag, a club badge, a black cashmere Thieves' Guild licence and a perfect cube brooch.

Carrying: an iridescent pearl and a flat cap.

Rat Race

 

There is a certain place teeming with rats in Ankh-Morpork (yes, that definition applies to the whole city, but there's one place where it applies more than usual). The main joy it provides is the possibility of employing Rugged Victor's Rodentia Vivisection on a massive scale, but beyond that, from time to time you can find amongst the critters a Rat King who puts up a pretty decent fight

This is a damp underground room with soil walls propped up by wooden beams. A burnt-out stub of a candle sits in a puddle of wax on a small rock next to the wall. There are a few tiny, rat-sized drinking troughs on the ground, filled with water. More tunnels lie to the west and a ladder leads further down. There are two obvious exits: west and down. 

A six-rat rat king is standing here. 

> 

The six-rat rat king pauses for a moment, and you hear a faint soundless call in your mind. Moments later, a sleek rat, a furry rat and a plump rat run in to join the fight. 

The six-rat rat king, the sleek rat, the furry rat and the plump rat move aggressively towards you! 

p: 3028 (3028) Gp: 420 (435) Xp: 641203 

You chop up the furry rat's right front leg with your storm serpent kodachi. 

The six-rat rat king pounces at you but your floating Tsortean metal shield swoops in and absorbs all of the blow. 

The sleek rat attempts to bite you but your floating Tsortean metal shield swoops in and absorbs all of the blow. 

l king 

This is six rats with their tails all twisted together in an intricate knot. Each of its component rats moves in unison, flowing across the floor in an eerie display of coordination. Their eyes are bright with an animal intelligence. 

It is in good shape. 

It is standing. 

 (...)

The six-rat rat king pounces at you but your floating Tsortean metal shield swoops in and absorbs all of the blow. 

You move your hand and the ball of fire zooms out into the immediate vicinity and sweeps over everything. 

The fire burns the six-rat rat king. 

The fire dies away. 

You kill the six-rat rat king. 

The six-rat rat king's knotted tangle of tails is torn apart, revealing a silver rat ring and scattering rats in all directions. 

The large rat leaves west. 

The fat rat and the sleek rat leave down.

After its defeat, you can gather a new artifact that has been included in the Disc! It apparently has the ability of summoning a rat minion that will temporarily defend you. I have already gotten two, and I have to give it a try. Right now they are in a box, though, waiting, but I'll write another entry once I decide to try it out.

look rat ring

You recognise the silver rat ring to be a piper's ring.  This is a thick silver band, embossed with a circle of three rats biting on each other's tails.  Each rat has two tiny red rubies for eyes.

Six of its eyes glow a dull red.

It emits a slight octarine glow.