In the Assassin's Guild

It is a pity the ninjas don't allow us to use their facilities, as I would relish the possibility of trying their pottery room, learning their tea ceremony and doing some flower arranging and marbling (the last option isn't impossible, but the equipment for doing it counts as furniture, and I have no place to put it). The morporkian Assassin's Guild is open to all, though -at least, most parts of it. The poison labs remain 'off limits-, and taking a look at its classrooms, one find curious learning oportunities...
One I wasn't able to activate was the Komt of Yoyo's telling me assassin stories in the varied living languages of the Disc (he'll only do it if you're an assassin yourself), but nevertheless, you can try plaque-reading and (on a totally different scale) piano playing at the Modern Language and Music classroom. What I did discover to my delight in the next classroom (Monsieur le Balourd's Dance and Deportment) was this:

A large, airy room with strong wooden floors and a high, arching ceiling. A small piano sits carefully in one corner of the room, while an elaborately set up table is in another area. Posters outlining the basic steps of various popular dances line the walls, while instruction manuals and copies of Twurp's Peerage are scattered over a low table under the window. A room full of everything a student needs to turn themselves from bumbling buffoon, to social butterfly.
There is one obvious exit: west.
Monsieur le Balourd is standing here.
>
look ceiling
The ceiling arches high above your head, inlaid with rare woods. A crystal chandelier hangs from the centre.
>
look chandelier
A delicate crystal chandelier hangs from the centre of the ceiling, casting light over the room.
>
look piano
A recent invention, this piano is actually a pianola, a clockwork piano that plays music without the need to have a pesky musician sitting at it. It is a very expensive instrument, much more so than its non-clockwork counterpart, but is still within the Assassins' Guild's budget and is used to train students to deceive the eye.
play piano
You covertly wind up the piano and pretend to play a delicate Llamedos hymn.
>
play piano
You covertly wind up the piano and pretend to play a delicate sonata.
>
play piano
Saving...
You feel more able to deceive the eye.
You covertly wind up the piano and pretend to play a delicate sonata.

There's lots more to play with, in the class and in the guild. I'll keep looking...

Independent Recurring Vocaliser

What's it called? Independent Recurring Vocaliser (in short, IRV).

What does it do? Well, nor much really. This is a toy spell that will allow you to make any object you wish to 'talk' for an amount of time (time probably related to skills, but capped not too highly). Maybe 'talk' is excessive: the object will only repeat a line you instill on it, and repeat it from time to time. The effect is similar to that of an octagon pendant (which has to be 'trained', and whose line-repeating is permanent).
The spell isn't much used, except for comical lines and effects from time to time (roasts saying 'eat me' and things like that...).

Where is it? Like all its toy companions, it properly belongs to the Gym Tomes ('Begynner's Magick') that are kept in all major magical education facilities around the Disc.

What does it require? Nothing at all, unless you want to consider the item on which you cast it (which may be of any type) as a 'component'.

What skills do I need? Channeling, Binding, Evoking

Has it worked? A correct output should be something like this:

You prepare to cast Independent Recurring Vocaliser.
You sniff xxx (item).
You run your hands over xxx.
You exclaim: Pop!
xxx glows blue for a moment.
What message do you want xxx to repeat?

Help Information:

Independent Recurring Vocaliser - Make an object talk.

The Independent Recurring Vocaliser is a first order miscellaneous spell that causes an inanimate object to repeat a message every so often.

(general) wizard wares

So... we can't go running nakkid through the streets, can we? A wizard should have a set of proper vestments, as gaudy, tasteless and pretentious as possible. Master Winswand is no exception, and has been searching the best Discworld outfitters for his clothes.

A Wizard's main piece is his hat. Even though cheap 'wizard pointy hats' are easily available, there's nothing like the custom Agatean ones we can order at the Hat shop of the Agatean Wizards Guild, located behind the bookshop in Diamond Place, Bes Pelargic. This hat has been a long time with me (when I ordered it, I was still hardly mastering the subtle language of the Counterweight Continent), and houses lots of space for rings, charms, scrolls and other trinklets:

> l hat

This proper sapphire blue, silk crepe wizard's pointy hat has a perfectly cut lapis lazuli mounted front and centre which is surrounded by neatly embossed dragons. The embossed dragons are impressed into the silk crepe in such a way that the relief seems almost too realistic as they dance around the lapis lazuli, encircling it completely.
A shimmer of octarine radiates across the surface.
It appears to have something written on it.
The sapphire blue wizard's pointy hat has one inside pocket.

Another necessary piece is an appropiate robe. I tried my own order's once, but I found them a bit boring and easy to break. I still keep one in the wardrobe for solemn occasions, but for regular movement I prefer this other one, also ordered at a custom shop in the Bes Pelargic Wizard's Guild:

>l robe

This hand tailored bright yellow, heavy satin damask robe is lined with the finest turquoise rings. They also run the full length of the robe's front as to securely fasten it closed. On the back of this robe is an embossed firebird. The robe is so exquisitely crafted that even the embossing is encircled in tiny turquoise rings. The robe drapes to the floor in clean fluid lines and sweeps the ground gently with its subtle eloquence. Now this is a robe unlike any other.
It softly pulses in dull octarine shades.
It appears to have something written on it.
The bright yellow robe has one inside pocket.

The shoes are much less original, and as there's no nice, wizardry and light set of them (the nearest thing being the heavy necromantic boots of Dave), I stay with the modest and classic 'wizard pointy shoes', which incidentally, spoil very soon.

There was a time when I lived through an Agatean-style-and-culture craze. I still keep some quirks and bits from then, but not the gorgeous clothing (custom kimono, obi and zori), of which we'll talk some other day...

Heezlewurst's Elemental Buffer

What's it called? Heezlewurst's Elemental Buffer (in short, HEB).

What does it do? The main use of (uncle) Heb is to cast a protective magical shield around you that protects thee partially of the effects of adverse attacks of elemental magick. The nature of the protection is determined by the Rhokshial's crystals you employ in the cast: red protects against fire, blue against cold, green against acid and yellow against noxious fumes. Employing all of them should protect against all these and maybe, plasma attacks (from the Spear?).
I find the spell of little use, as I am very unusually the victim of magic attacks, and even in that case, the protection given by this spell is only partial (approximately, it soaks half of the damage). Its only real uses might be in pkdom, to avoid painful backfires, or as an extra protection while walking around the Alchemist Guild, but even then, I fear it would be too cumbersome to remember and have the components for any good it does.

Where is it? It rests, generally undisturbed, in the Introeductyon too thee Strukture of thee Multyverss grimoire, at the Unseen University Library.

What does it require? The focus of an octogram and from one to 4 different Rhokshial's crystals, at will. The crystal(s) being consumed in the casting.

What skills do I need? Channeling, Evoking, Binding, Enchanting, Convoking

Has it worked? A correct output should be something like this:

You prepare to cast Heezlewurst's Elemental Buffer on a a small blue crystal, a small yellow crystal and a small red crystal.

You look closely at a small blue crystal, a small yellow crystal and a small red crystal.
You feel how the octogram affects magic nearby.
You observe the symmetries of a small blue crystal, a small yellow crystal and a small red crystal and the octogram.
You stare deep into a small blue crystal, a small yellow crystal and a small red crystal.
You drop a small blue crystal, a small yellow crystal and a small red crystal into the centre of the octogram.
A small blue crystal, a small yellow crystal and a small red crystal seem to twist and merge into a hazy blue, yellow and red stream of light, which rises and surrounds you.

Notes:

The spell is damn huge. It occupies tons of mindspace, takes some time to cast and consumes an outstanding 300 gps.

Different outputs have been known to happen. As I don't cast this spell regularly, they might be even more abundant. I got this one once:

You prepare to cast Heezlewurst's Elemental Buffer on a a small blue crystal, a small yellow crystal and a small red crystal.
You examine a small blue crystal, a small yellow crystal and a small red crystal.
You sense the magical field of the octogram.
You count the faces of a small blue crystal, a small yellow crystal and a small red crystal and the points of the octogram.
You hold a small blue crystal, a small yellow crystal and a small red crystal tightly in a fist.
You hurl a small blue crystal, a small yellow crystal and a small red crystal into the centre of the octogram.
A small blue crystal, a small yellow crystal and a small red crystal seem to twist and merge into a hazy blue, yellow and red stream of light, which rises and surrounds you.

Help Information:

Heezlewurst's Elemental Buffer - Magical shield.

Heezlewurst's Elemental Buffer is a first order defensive spell that should be cast on Rhokshial's crystals of the appropriate nature in order to generate a shield against offensive manifestations of elemental magic.

Ouch... (and room spells)

Most unfortunate death today (been a long time since I met the guy WHO TALKS LIKE THIS). Running alone after lions at half your health and without the trollskin is really asking for it. Quite some experience was thrown down the drain, but that's my fault... tsk, tsk

Anyway, I wanted to briefly comment today some of the room spells we have. As you all know, a wizard's main offensive spells tend to fall on this lot. True, there are some good individual ones (notable the Spear and Fire Bunny spells), but for various reasons (specially components, time and spent guild points) they don't compensate as much as the others.

When it comes to room spells, the choice really comes down to three[1] : Pragi's Fiery Gaze, Effermhor's Hypersonic Assault and G’flott’s Olfactory Nightmare. In the past, there were some differences as amounts the damage, mindspace and time of casting they had. This has now been changed, and the 3 have been more or less equalized. Nevertheless, they still present their own unique advantages and disadvantages:

-Pragi's is the staple spell, and the one any wizard is probably going to cast most all through his life. It consists of a ball of fire that you throw at all the people in the room, burning them badly in the process. Among its strong points are that it is very good at taskmastering enchanting (and many of us don't have it as a primary), a more or less decent damage with regular skills and, above all, the cheapness and inexaustibily of its component: an eye. Being able to harvest them while killing makes it very easy to never run out of components (indeed, it is the one wizard offensive spell that you're likely to use when grouping).
On the down said, the main problem is it hardly affects trolls, so you'll need another stuff (either the Spear, Effermhor's or simple melee) when having to tackle them.

-Effermhor's is a very similar spell. In this case, the damage produced on those that surround you is produced by a blast of pure sound that will grate or greatly hurt the ears (and bones) of others. It doesn't tm as well as Pragi, but it has advanced by Dancing skills (Fred Astaire, tremble!) quite a bit...
As size and damage don't change, the main advantage of the spell is that sound affects troll in a greater degree then the other attacks, making this spell ideal for those large concentrations of troll bodyguards and warriors that tend to abound in some pubs and streets of Ankh-Morpork. Its main setback are the components: a jar of mandrake roots and (specially) beeswax candles, which are consumed in the casting. Problem being candles are to be found in infinitely less numbers than eyes (and yet there's up to 8 shops I frequent that sell them).

-Last, we have G’flott’s, which causes a cloud of toxic gas to affect all people with noses and general breathing apparatuses in your inmediate vicinity. Traditionally the less employed of this trio, its better point is the fact the its component (sulphur blocks) can stack: you may carry huge amounts of them in your backpack while occupying only one item slot. But the problems are two: blocks are harder to find and collect in grand quantities (I know of about 4 places that sell them, and not many at a time), and the damage on trolls is even lower than Pragi's.

You'll probably find yourself using some or all of these spells at a time. I had the three in my mind for a time, but the ones I rely on (and which I have remembered at the moment) are Pragi and Effermhor's, their adequate, specialized roles working decently well for me (except when I have silly accidents, like today. I should improve my offensive bonuses, as it still takes me too long to kill creatures like lions...).

[1] There's also Pragi's Lost Gaze, an oriental, watered-down Pragi whose advantage is that it can be cast from a different room. But the fact that it does substantially less damage, and the huge weight of its components make it unpractical except for fetishistic wizards with high strength or a permanent, pet cloud accompanying them...

Necromantic Gear

In the middle of a swamp, in Überwald, lies Dave, the Most Horrid and Foul Necromancer, whose classy looking gear would be the dream of every wizard (specially Midnighters or Shadows) if ir weren't for its tremendous weight, which makes it totally unpractical, bearing in mind the usual strength that wizards count on.

Nevertheless, as stated, his equipment is quite impressive. It consists of 5 magical pieces, or talismans: staff, boots, greaves, helmet and (gasp!) corslet.

>

look staff
This dark, black staff has been fashioned out of iron and has been heated until the surface is pitted and cracked. A large human skull with ram's horns has been fixed to its top as some sort of grisly knob. Along its length silvery runes race along its surface in a pattern undiscernible to the eye.
Octarine light pulses around it like an evil heartbeat.
It is in excellent condition.

>

look boots
This is a pair of sleek black leather boots that reach to knee height. They are laced in the front and are made of very thick leather. Along the front of them are a few plates of bone which appear fang-like in nature. Several silvery runes seem to flutter along the length of the bone.
Octarine light pulses around it like an evil heartbeat.
It has the hazy octarine sparkle of a magical talisman.
It is in excellent condition.

>

look greaves
This pair of greaves could only have been made by magic. They are constructed from bone and have series of serrated ridges that run along their length. The bone itself seems to flow around the wearer as if it is growing from their own flesh. Several runes seem to be moving along the greaves like living quicksilver.
Octarine light pulses around it like an evil heartbeat.
It has the hazy octarine sparkle of a magical talisman.
It is in excellent condition.

>
l helmet
This is a helmet that has been crafted by magic out of bone. It is a solid construction of bone that has a series of fang-like protrusions running in ridges up to the top. A iron band made to look almost like a crown wraps around the brow and ends underneath a pair of black ram's horns that curl down along the sides of the head. Runes flow along the length of the helmet and look as if they were made of quicksilver.
Octarine light pulses around it like an evil heartbeat.
It has the hazy octarine sparkle of a magical talisman.
It is in excellent condition.

>

l corslet
This is a ornate construction that could only have been made by magic. The armour is made out of a solid piece of worn ivory bone which wraps around its wearer to protect them fully. Interlocking bone plates flow down the arms and end in ornate gauntlets with a series of small fang-like spikes radiating upwards to the forearm. Many bone plates hang from the main breastplate and backplate forming tassets to protect the waist and thighs. The breast and back are both fully covered in a solid sheet of dark ivory bone. Spikes of various shape and size flow down the shoulders and the back like a porcupine. The spikes also flow down the front of the armour where they circle a dark black gem. A gorget reminiscent of a shoulder blade wraps rather uncomfortably around the neck and connects to the shoulder coverings. All along the thick ivory silvery runes seem to move up and down its length like living quicksilver.
Octarine light pulses around it like an evil heartbeat.
It has the hazy octarine sparkle of a magical talisman.
It is in excellent condition.

For practical reasons, the only thing of use might really be the staff, at least in a remote future when some of the incoveniences of these (like the fact that staff harnesses occupy a dexterity malus slot when worn with backpacks) are removed or (ha, ha!) the fabled staves with knobs reappear. It is a powerful polearm weapon, damn heavy and extremely cool for octograving. Nevertheless, the only use I can gather for it now (and for the rest of the gear) is as a showy outfit for one of the feasts/balls/parties that take place in the City...

Grisald's Reanimated Guardian

What's it called? Grisald's Reanimated Guardian (in short, GRG)

What does it do? One of the top level defensive spells, Grisald's Reanimated Guardian allows you to reanimate a corpse and turn it into an additional and creepy bodyguard: a skeleton warrior. The skeleton will protect you until it is killed (again...) or you lose mental control of it (something that tends to happen after some time. Sekiri mentions around 45 minutes at best).
As such, this spell looks extremely useful, being one more level of protection to the usual magical defenses (floating shield, trollskin, TPA...). Its main inconvenient is that the skeleton warrior sucks the experience you get (in the past, up to half of it. It is said that today, only around 10%). It is also quite a rotten fighter, and will only come to your aid when your shields are down or hits pass through them.
As to the skeleton's stength, it is variable, and dependant on the caster's skills. Per description, the warriors can be 'slightly fierce', 'fierce' and 'very fierce'. Even in the best of cases, its hitpoints won't surpass the 2000 range, so it will be good to shield it. Also, it will automatically equip (when resurrected) the weapons it has on it (which gives the possibility of depositing weapons and armour over the corpse, better then the original).

Where is it? As the Necromancer's top spell, it is only appropiate that it should lurk inside the Body Parts for the Advanced Student grimoire, at Unseen University.

What does it require? A corpse. A human one. It is destroyed in miscasts.

What skills do I need? Summoning, Binding, Animating, Healing

Has it worked? A correct output should read something like this:

You prepare to cast Grisald's Reanimated Guardian on the corpse of a xxx.
You kneel and summon life force from hidden places.
You make magical equivalents of the long-gone muscles and ligaments of the skeleton, binding them onto the bare bones.
You attempt to magically reanimate the dead bones.
You attempt to repair the worst damage to the body.
The skeleton groans, stirs and rises.
The skeleton warrior equips a military cape, a short sword scabbard, a long sword, a mail coif, a pair of metal clad boots, a mail skirt, a mail shirt and a large metal shield.
The skeleton warrior moves to defend you.
You mentally take control of the skeleton.

Notes: A 'look' at the skeleton warrior, should you be so bold, offers the following description:

A walking corpse. Bits look like they're about to fall off, or already have. It looks slightly out-of-touch with the world, and very fierce.
It is in good shape.

Help Information:

Skeleton Guard ----- Discworld spell help ----- Skeleton Guard

Grisald's Reanimated Guardian - Create a skeleton guardian.

Grisald's Reanimated Guardian is a first order defensive spell that reanimates a corpse to protect the caster.

Inspiration

High, aristocratic windows cast an air of arrogance over the silk upholstered walls of the hallway. The crystal candelabra mounted on the walls between the windows try vainly to outmatch the paned haughtiness. The polished ebony floorboards glow in proud contempt. Soothing tapestries of bold blue silk hang on either side of the spartan doorway in the north wall, giving this part of the hallway a very serious feel to it.

There are three obvious exits: north, east and west.
A Sung family guard and a pretty geisha are standing here.
>
draw brush
You draw the enamelled calligraphy brush from the red lacquer brush case into your left hand.
>
get book from pit
Su Su the Sung family peacock arrives from the west.
You get an open cheap flimsy chapbook from a pocket in Bottomless Pit.
>
rip page from book
You rip a page from the open cheap flimsy chapbook.
>
look su su

Strutting around in obvious grandeur is a beautiful specimen of a male peacock. The Sung family keeps Su Su, as he is called, in the best feed and the best care. The Lady Sung regards her pet with love and devotion and would be very disappointed if anything happened to him. The bird however, probably cares less. Su Su, while a beautiful bird, has that obvious look of birdy disdain.

He is in good shape.
He is standing.
> The pretty geisha flutters her eyelashes.

You exclaim in Agatean: nice birdie!
>
pat su
You pat Su Su the Sung family peacock on the head.
> A passenger junk drifts lazily across Pearl River outside the window.
The Sung family guard leaves west.
> Su Su the Sung family peacock makes soft clucking sounds.
write with brush on paper in agatean
You start writing on the sheet of cheap writing paper with the enamelled calligraphy brush.

You finish writing on the sheet of cheap writing paper.
>
sign paper with brush
You sign the sheet of cheap writing paper with the enamelled calligraphy brush.
>
read paper
You read the sheet of cheap writing paper:
Written in messy gleaming silver ink calligraphy in Agatean:
Drinking is good
but not in excess.
Procure moderation.
Written in cursive gleaming silver ink is the authentic and attested signature of Winswand in Agatean:
Master Winswand

> A Sung family guard arrives from the west.
A young geisha arrives from the north.

You say in Agatean: umm... quite a bad haiku. And doesn't match the syllables either...
>
shrug
You shrug.

Order Rings - The Last Order

Very appropiately, the last ring we talk about is the Last Order's one. I haven't been able to find my missing collection, but I was quite lucky in a brief visit to Sadel Noctus, and found him selling the Vortex Ring I need to post here.
So here it goes. Enjoy a brief look at what people-killing warlocks like to wear!

>look vortex ring

A steel ring, grey as the knife-blade, has been used as a base for this ominous design. Around it have been woven silver and gold wires, creating a lattice through which the enclosed steel can barely be made out. A flat disc of octiron has been fastened to the top of the ring, and a single star ruby protrudes from its centre. Spokes of diamond dust stretch from ruby to rim, and between each pair of spokes lies a bone-white letter.
Written in octarine fire: "Finis"
It appears to have something written on it.
It is in excellent condition.

>read vortex ring

You read the vortex ring:
The Last Order